It is so, so important to have someone tell you that you're beautiful. Now more than ever before. Now is when i need it the most, because i feel ugly. scarred. and inside im trying to heal, but im also silently crying for help.

its redemption i need. complete forgiveness. I have hurt myself so terribly that deep inside im afraid i'll never be able to forgive myself.

thats why, when you forgive me, it feels like i can stop blaming myself. i can move forward, and try to re establish that connection i used to have with myself. i can try to trust myself again.

i feel so ugly. everyday. every moment im fighting to keep my spirits up.

how is it possible that i am unable to forgive myself, and why am i looking for forgiveness from you? why does it feel better when you tell me you love me no matter what i've done in the past?

why are you more willing to forgive me than i am to let go of a past that i wish i could never think about again? why do i have scars on my  thigh when  i dont want them there? when will i stop crying about this, and when will the scars stop mattering? when will i be able to look at them, and love my body anyway?
how much longer before im truly able to come to terms with them?

actually, im glad they're on the outside too. atleast now you can SEE them. they exist, and you know what they represent. you acknowledge them. and when i tell you im having a really bad day, bad thought about them, you understand.

you understand, and you tell me im beautiful anyway, and sometimes that is the onlu reason i get through the day.

sunday morning jango

I'm listening to my Sunday Morning playlist (mostly Train and Maroon 5, both for the nostalgic happiness they inspire) on http://www.jango.com/ (which is a brilliant site) and sitting around tidying things up here and there. changing bedsheets folding clothes fresh from the laundromat, that sort of thing.

My textbooks are lying in a pile on my desk, along with a tangled mesh of wires and lots of stationery strewn around. This needs some tidying too i guess. what are sundays for?

I should take a shower, get into some clean clothes and make it to the lib sometime soon, if i dont go now, i prob wont make it there until much later in the evening, once SV gets back from his Surathkal expedition.

But its just so relaxing to hang out here all by myself. i resent company in these moments. no lights on, just the sunlight from my window filling the room with splashes of brightness. messy though it is, i love my room. i love coming back here at the end of the day, to turn on my laptop and read my webcomics, or watch a movie or check out facebook. or even better, read a book with only the table lamp on. the sad part being that i'm done reading everything i had :(

maybe i should make a list of all the books ive read. wow. what a long list that would be.

i guess its good in a way, now i shall TRY to focus more on Bailey and Love at night, instead of Margaret Atwood or Janet Fitch.

9 th sem is still moving at its own pace, steamrolling everything in its way. last few months left.. crucial months that will determine the rest of our lives. and even though i hate it, im learning that it makes more sense to try and catch up with 9th sem instead of watching it roll away from me so fast. we're gonna ride it out till the end of the wave. (is that correct surfing terminology?)

things are happening way too fast for me to register that they're happening... and im not struck by any sense of nostalgia for manipal. in fact im glad that MOST my batch will leave after exams. only a small bunch will stay on for internship here. and im actually quite glad to be rid of them all. too much history, too many bad memories. id rather be alone.

exams in 2 months. closer everyday. prep is not up to the mark. its like.. haha.. India and the CWG. all the time's been destroyed by THIS: meaningless blogging and drinking nights and too much sleeping. except that i wont survive without atleast 2 of the 3 things i mentioned.

time to snap out of this lazy sunday morning reverie and get to work. something productive. so that maybe i can chill later at night. if i feel like ive done enough.

On: A Vacation, and how it doesnt depend on anything but your mood, and how I'm not going to let anything ruin mine

A Vacation:
Short trip to Palolem, we leave in 2 days, six of us (very tolerant, non judgemental and broad minded people) travelling via the Matsyagandha at 230 pm, getting there by 7pm and chilling thereafter.
Chilling:
1. Will reduce (or actually, ELEVATE) myself to state of extreme hippie-ness. so, bye bye hair brush and shoes, hello harem pants and peasant tops and barefoot walking and anklets and beads and untied hair and a general attitude of not caring what people think. ah, my soul is laughing already.

2. Will always have alcohol in a glass attached to my hand. if not my hand, then nearest flat topped stable suface. port wine and beer. slow drinking, leading to a slow sustained buzz all morning, afternoon and night. heeeee!

3. a pack of ciggies ready and waiting for the perfect moment to be lit by one of us and then passed around in a moment of communal spirituality. sigh. beautiful moments.

4. food. good goa-type hippie comfort food. pancakes and ginger tea and porridge. but mostly pancakes for me.

5. will forget completely the existance of the following:

• Manipal (where is it? some north east state right?)
• Med students (uh im just an ignorant hippie who wouldnt know what to do if someone had a heart attack right next to me)
• Exams (Im only testing myself on the ability to drink, smoke and eat in perfect balance to create the most ideal state of being)
• Parents (so that i dont feel too guilty about the eating drinking and smoking)

6. The appropriate use of herbs (?) maybe, maybe not

7. will lose track of time. the number of hours (days?) idled away are not to be counted and begrudged. i will unwind. slowly. till im hypotonic.

8. massage opportunities. enough said.

9. candlelight after sunset. waves. the sound of waves at night. the sunset. the sand. will sit around soaking up the energy.

Very little of how enjoyable the vacation will be depends upon the weather, who cares if its raining. as long as im sitting on the floor in harem pants with alcohol and friends around me, im good :)

really looking forward to this trip (for obvious reasons: im too close to suicide)

apart from that, im presenting pre eclampsia tomorrow and i have to work on that, which sucks, because all i feel like doing right now is...looking for my torch and checking for new batteries and charging my camera and my ipod and packing clothes and...

Paeds ward

SV asked me to check on this patient while i was at Paeds today. She's a 12 year old girl who was brought to casualty by her parents because she'd been hyperventilating for the last 3-4 hours. The doctors on duty clearly figured she was ill enough to be admitted.
Her case-sheet history revealed (i didnt actually speak to her, she was asleep and it wasnt worth waking her up) that she stands first in class usually, and she had a mathematics exam coming up that was causing her anxiety.

how terrible to have that kind of fear at age 12. gah. what is the world coming to. more and more kids are feeling this kind of pressure to perform, and i honestly cannot blame them for not being able to cope with it.

SV wanted me to look at the case because she reminded him of me(!) but i guess not knowing bronchial breathing sounds in final year is a tad bit worse than not knowing some math theorem in class 7.

also at shenoys something really weird happened to me, my eyes started tearing up but i couldnt stop laughing. like. proper hysteria. thats never happened to me before. i was crying and at the same time, i couldnt stop laughing.

trip planned next week to Palolem, South Goa. staying at this place called Om Sai Guest House which has great reviews on the internet. Palolem as such seems to be a rather offbeat place to visit, it seems different from GOA goa. the 6 of us leave by the matsyagandha (ah, that train feels like home) on thursday afternoon.

:D

more later.

random update

i was supposed to read one book a month but im reading faster than a book a week. i was done with two books by tuesday. and today i guiltily opened Murakami's short stories and read two stories before i convinced myself to shut the book again. and i will have to continue to do that, for a book once opened is a constant temptation for me. i have to know whats next and every free minute of my time is spent doing that. i even give up on my afternoon between classes nap for that purpose. which leaves me drained at the end of the day. not saying much because im usually emotionally and physically drained at the end of the day no matter how many hours i slept in the afternoon.

but. i need to save these books. for the days i'll REALLY need them. which is atleast two months from now when end postings begin again and i'll need something to take my mind off things and stop my hands from shaking.

i started OBG this week. and its not very tough as of now. more laid back than other postings because i just have to present when im scheduled to present. a very good system. this is the best month to catch up on those heavy textbooks, namely, Bailey and Love, or surgery in general. i dont know jack in surgery. every other subject still seems manageable right now, even though thats also quite far from the truth.

i am fat and im not going to be getting any thinner at this rate. how is it that medicine leaves me more tired than ive ever been before in my life, but it still wont make me lose weight? ugh.

things were good over the weekend but have been getting progressively worse after. its just two weeks since i got back from home and i just want to go back there again.
im slipping back into the old depressed state i used to be in and im really not interested in dragging anyone down with me (so please shut up and dont bring this up) this time. ive had enough of the bitching done behind my back, and i think the best policy is that if u cant be nice, you should just suck it up and keep your mouth shut.

Miracle Drug

is a song from u2's album 'How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb'
It is a song about this Irish writer, Christopher Nolan.

Bono said of Nolan (from wikipedia)

'We all went to the same school and just as we were leaving, a fellow called Christopher Nolan arrived. He had been deprived of oxygen for two hours when he was born, so he was paraplegic. But his mother believed he could understand what was going on and used to teach him at home. Eventually, they discovered a drug that allowed him to move one muscle in his neck. So they attached this unicorn device to his forehead and he learned to type. And out of him came all these poems that he'd been storing up in his head. Then he put out a collection called Dam-Burst of Dreams, which won a load of awards and he went off to university and became a genius. All because of a mother's love and a medical breakthrough.'

"Miracle Drug" was played live at every show of the first and second legs of the Vertigo Tour, with Bono using the song (and the story of Nolan) as a means of expressing his appreciation for doctors, nurses, and others in the medical field.

i hate this stupid blog. why does it even exist

dream

and she killed herself 2 days before she went home. like anne frank, who died a month before liberation.

RAIN

She likes to sit at a window when its raining outside.

She likes to watch as the drops beat down over the earth, their watery fury dissolving impotently as they hit the ground, ridiculously harmless.

She wraps herself in comforting memories of good times past, and they keep her warm on this impossibly cold day.

17th June 2010: For Dandy

As butterflies flutter by
Reminding me of the time that I
Walked down a forest path with you
Following my lead, yet running wild
Yapping, barking, whining at the blue
Sky, the green earth, the air impossibly mild

If i had known it was the last time to be
I would have done things differently
I would have run and jumped and rolled in the mud with you
Would have stroked your furry ears and hugged you close
I would have tried my best to never let you go...

Butterflies, they flutter by
Leaving me to say my goodbyes
Alone. With no one listening.

---------------------------------------
I miss you baby.

"Give me a poem, and I'll give you a broken heart" (SV)

STETHOSCOPE!

so i finally found me my steth.

currently using this old 'Lifeline' steth that Nishant bought me almost 3 years ago... but its not exactly the most competent instrument.

ive been meaning to invest in a Littmann for a while now, and today I found the one ive been looking for so YAY.

its a special editon BLACK one.. notice how all metal parts are black! its super sexy. :D

been looking for this black one for a long time now, and i finally found it at this Littmann kiosk outside the lib (some random marketing gimmick). actually SV found it for me. i dint have the heart to ask them if they had it, because ive asked everywhere and they NEVER seem to have it, but these guys did!

SV walked up to my seat in the lib and casually told me that he'd asked them.. 'point blank' if they had it, so thank you to HIS unwavering optimism in life that tends to light up my days too :)

also im getting it at quite a decent price, with warranty and everything.. around 3900

compare that with the lifeline which cost me 350, i think..

in other news. YV is graduating. tomorrow. wow. congratulations, my old friend. i hope things go really well for you.

sessionals

its exam time again

these are the best days of med school.
i will remember them as the most perfect days. the weather is amazing, it rains all day long and there's barely any sun and the skies are always dark and overcast. its delightfully chilly.
and we have no classes or clinics (my entire clinics batch is skipping clinics this last week during exams) so all i have to do is get out of bed in the morning, and hop skip and jump to the library.

spend all day there with my friends, taking breaks now and then, most often the ubiquitous tea breaks which we use to catch up on the world cup scores.
and cupcake breaks.
and random water cooler breaks.

its awesome. i feel like there's no pressure. i love just sitting around in the lib studying all day. reading these brilliant textbooks. watch the rain fall, through the floor to ceiling windows, and cuddle deeper into my shawl/jacket :)

i love exams. i dont want them to get over.
that will mean hectic days again, class and clinics and case taking and other kinds of work. sigh.

what EXACTLY am i not happy about?

1. only 24 hours in a day. no 'infinity period' like in school.
2. no life

okay this is stupid stuff that cannot be solved. let me start again. rationally.

1. not being able to manage time the way i want to. out of sheer tiredness, and sometimes laziness and the inablilty to wake up when my alarm rings after my scheduled nap duration

2. not having, or not being able to make time for exercise. actively trying to fix this.

3. low self worth: stemming from lack of clinical acumen in the hospital, and from being fat

4. relationship: in a complete mess. unanswered questions, most questions i would rather not know the answer to. dissatisfied from the lack of expressed care/interest. jealousy. tired of being blamed for being sad/feeling unwell/making things go wrong every time. finding myself wanting to be alone more and more. trying to stay distant by texting less, calling less, talking MUCH less. havent talked properly in more than a month. deflecting and blaming everything on stress (?). generally unhappy but then thats not new.

goodnight.

reading this blog, u might think im clinically depressed.
well screw you.

sometimes its important to wallow in self pity and this is the only place i can do it.

home!

home home home home home

im going home tomorrow morning.finally decided to go through with it. atleast now i feel more at rest. :)

i dont think im going to be able to sleep tonight.
there's so much i want to say but it seems like ive forgotten how to say it. i've forgotten how to write.

ive been far away for far too long.

there are people in this world that i would give my life for. and i've been feeling a very strong calling. i should go home. i really should. i'll never forgive myself if dont. exams are not priority in life right now.

i feel stranded here. going home doesnt even seem like an option, much as i would like to be there right now. i can only afford to go for a 3 or 4 days and it will cost me a fortune! and it just doesnt seem worth it.
sometimes i really wish we were the kind of family that could afford luxury and not just comfort!

drifting further away-powderfinger: cryptic emotions

FOR RG and YV:
dont go too deep into the flood
dont stare too long, you'll poison my love
dont shove me out, dont hold it all in
dont let my venom get under your skin

cos every word and every turn and every sign points to your hurt
with every hour you're drifting further away

come make your peace, come find your way
come lay your wreath at the altar of change
dont lose your step
dont break your bones
dont shoulder your burden out there on your own..

i never should have let go...

FROM SV AND SP

my ambition bird :( things i'll never be able to do until its too late

i wish i was doing something more artistic with my life. more creative.

i want to paint and dance and write. i would love to READ again. listen to music. prose. poetry.

i feel like i lost myself inside davidson and bailey&love.

im burnt out. i want to take a break from pathology and ugliness and watch a sunrise or a sunset without worrying about how much time im wasting.

i wish i could take a year off. im being sucked into this vortex, this spiral, i feel like im never going to have time for myself again.

im not happy, im way too stressed.

there are things i wanted to do in my life.. that i dont see myself doing anymore.

1. travel. see the world. not just 'america'. i want to go to europe. not to sight see. i want to absorb the life there, hang out there at leisure, maybe work there or study there. i dont want to see the world as tourist with an itinerary. i want to linger.

2. i want a piano. and i want to play it well. and i want to attend recitals. and i want to play with a band, not professionally, but as a hobby. i want to attend practice sessions and i want to bond over chords and progressions and harmonies.

3. i want to write a book. NOT a best selling formula crappy shit. i want to write about life, about people, about what its like to be strange, how to come to terms with loneliness, loss and death because that is eventually what life is all about.

4. i want to ride a horse through the countryside. i want dogs following me. strong, faithful, loyal beings.

5. i want to sit at a cafe, with a pen and notepad and write after ordering 'my usual'

6. i want to attend more literary events. i want to meet authors and attend book signings.

7. gokarna! i want to live there for a while. like a month.

its fun being a med student, but it gets really tough after a while, and from where im standing, it feels like it only gets tougher.

i can deal with it, but i sometimes find myself wondering if i would have been happier without knowing everything i know...

i want to grow wings and fly away.

we never change.
its the same ups and downs over and over. cable car following cable car until the wire finally snaps.

what is the meaning of my life now?
i wish i could begin again, shed my skin and let the sun shine in. by the edge of the ocean...

im far away from home, and when i close my eyes i see where i should be. and i should have been there yesterday. it feels like its too late today.

i've been wandering through the years inside my mind. every rich memory, full of insignificant Detail: the smell of the day, the harsh sunlight, the biting cold. other things so personal and so precious to me that i know i'll never get back.

what have i learnt? what do i have to show for the decisions i made? where are my old friends? i feel lost without their presence lending solidity to my memories. everything feels like a dream. how much of what i remember actually happened?

why are my memories so vivid and why does my present feel like its slipping though my fingers? minute by minute, second by second, like the grains of sand on my memory-beach. just out of reach.

continuing the imaginary list (air ticking)

won pot pouri as a team :)
with SV (ofcourse!) and also RG