7th sem theory unis over. thats (almost) the end of three years. technically, three and a half years of med school. one more year and i'll be a doctor. there isnt anything i can do to prepare for that. its actually impossible to prepare for that, because the learning never ends. its a curse, but its also one of the things i LOVE about Medicine. that everything we study and everything we manipulate is actually based only on Anatomy, Physiology and Biochemistry.... and yet, we can never learn enough.
I start pracs in 2 days, and third year pracs are not just pracs...its a clinical case study thing, where we'll have to talk to a patient and diagnose him and be tested on that process. its scary. but necessary to get where I want to get.
I've been taking a break from studying. Watching old House episodes, reading Saturday by Ian McEwan, and researching Fibromyalgia on the internet. I miss days like these. I cant wait to go home for vacation. Delhi will be cold right now, and I can just see myself sitting in the sun, reading something really awesome (need to hit a big bookstore soon) and generally forgetting about my life as a Med student, and as Ed in Chief.
For SO many reasons, i'm glad this year is finally ending. The Mag was a nightmare, and just like fifth semester, it is a nightmare I wouldnt wanna dream again, ever. ITS OVER. done. tied up with strings and put away. (at the press, where its currently being printed. 1300 copies)
not that good things havent happened this year. there was SV. and then there was SV (haha). and things are finally good with me and the girls. and last night i was at DT dancing like never before...I finally have a little bit of peace, a little bit of clarity.
but like everyone else here at KMC, at the fag end of the year, i'm looking forward to vacation...just 10 days to go.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Editorial
Its 3 am again, another night spent working on Signum Vitalis (it’s been many, many long nights; and at least a thousand cups of coffee) - and yet this is the hardest part: trying to pen down what that experience has been like. It’s been a crazy, nerve wracking year, but incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. A year of ups and downs, but mostly ups. Though when the downs came, they hit hard. Especially around exam time, when we realised that failing had become a grimly realistic possibility (Am I right, Ant? Uz, I know you’ll do really well like you always do!)
Bringing out a college yearbook is NOT an easy job, (I knew that all along), but no one told me exactly how difficult it would be. I had no clue that I’d be spending SO many Saturday nights in my room cradling my laptop, that I’d have so many pen drives lying on my desk (I hope I returned them all!), that I’d watch so many sunrises because I stayed awake all night, that I’d have to send so many msgs to the 25 people in my board (oh my God, the phone bill!)…
All the hard work and anxiety paid off in the end: flipping through the pages of the almost-ready Mag, I'm realising it was completely worth it! How we got to this stage after starting with nothing, I’ll never completely understand. But we did it! We made a magazine! (yes, Congratulations EdBoard 2009!)
We tried to give SV a whole new look, to approach it from a new perspective. A yearbook is about memories of college life and friends, and this year we've tried to capture that essence of KMC. We're a close-knit student community (one of the best things about KMC) and I hope we work towards maintaining that in the years to come.
Many people made this magazine and my sanity possible:
My parents, for being supportive and for not cribbing about my grades. Mom, for constantly bombarding me with ideas: some crazy, some quite awesome.
Ant and Uz, for sharing my responsibilities! I felt more secure and in control with you around.
Being inspired all year round was something I wouldn't have been able to do without my EdBoard. You guys are the most talented bunch of people I know, and we worked incredibly well as a team! Thank you for being there, for keeping the ball rolling, for not letting us run out of steam.
For putting up with all my middle-of-the-night-panic-attack phone calls, thank you to Ash and Suki. Would have LOST MY MIND COMPLETELY without your constant, firm nudges to keep me on the right track.
A warm thank you to SV for helping out (for no reason at all) with candids and batch photographs (HOW did you manage to arrange all those people into such perfect rows??! Even the photographer was impressed). Thanks also for listening to me rant about how my life was spiraling out of control, and for not letting it spiral out of control. Thanks for planning my days when I was too tired to think, and for feeding me when I had no time to think about meals.
…and that’s it from me (Famous last words??)
Enjoy the Mag!
Miracle Drug
Editor-in-Chief
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Reasons why I'm writing again...and more
So I guess the main reason I'm back (apart from the Fosters entry I had to make) is that I have nothing to hide, and that even if this blog is not really relevant to my life anymore, it IS a part of me and its a part thats been accepted completely. No baggage anymore. But history shouldn't be forgotten.
And also. I CANT STOP WRITING FOR LONG. Its a compulsive thing.
So anyway. Its past midnight. And im listening to old old One Tree Hill music that i LOVE and its making me nostalgic. And its exam time again..
Bullet Points:
1. ENT Sessional day after. Chances of passing: marginally high, but dangerously close. Chances of doing well: nil. Syllabus is 700 pages of Ear and Nose and Throat. I should be studying Tuberculosis of the larynx right now.
I had ComMed a couple of days ago, where they asked us to write essays on extremely non specific topics like 'health problems of the aged' and 'juvenile delinquency'. So yeah. I left the hall feeling extremely frustrated that day.
2. Mag: OHMYGODITSSOBEAUTIFUL!! Its pretty much put together, with a cover and everything. Gotta write my editorial still, which i will do first thing after sessionals. SV promised we'd go to the beach one afternoon and I can sit around the lighthouse watching the waves and the sunset and write me Edit *broad broad smile* He's so perfect in the way he understands me.
3. Which brings me to SV. Hmmm. We spent the day together, mostly. After clinics (Ophtho for me) we had lunch and we bought apples and oranges and custard apples and pears. And then we sat around in GD (Lib) doing ENT. Futile effort.
He constantly makes all these stupid jokes and i still havent gotten the hang of dealing with it. Sometimes i feel like my brain is going to explode from the sheer lameness of it all.
But he makes up for it. Gets me vada pav and thums up anytime i want :p He's a complete sweetheart. Like its been way past my time threshold (you know how after a certain point of time, the 'cute' things your guy does suddenly start irritating the hell out of you?) yeah, so I'm waaaay past that time threshold, and i swear to god, its impossible to stay angry at the boy!
he's not a smooth talker all the time, but BOY can he turn it on when he needs to... that coupled with total understanding of my feelings makes everything better INSTANTLY. I'm not kidding. He's perfect. In many ways.
:D
okay more later
And also. I CANT STOP WRITING FOR LONG. Its a compulsive thing.
So anyway. Its past midnight. And im listening to old old One Tree Hill music that i LOVE and its making me nostalgic. And its exam time again..
Bullet Points:
1. ENT Sessional day after. Chances of passing: marginally high, but dangerously close. Chances of doing well: nil. Syllabus is 700 pages of Ear and Nose and Throat. I should be studying Tuberculosis of the larynx right now.
I had ComMed a couple of days ago, where they asked us to write essays on extremely non specific topics like 'health problems of the aged' and 'juvenile delinquency'. So yeah. I left the hall feeling extremely frustrated that day.
2. Mag: OHMYGODITSSOBEAUTIFUL!! Its pretty much put together, with a cover and everything. Gotta write my editorial still, which i will do first thing after sessionals. SV promised we'd go to the beach one afternoon and I can sit around the lighthouse watching the waves and the sunset and write me Edit *broad broad smile* He's so perfect in the way he understands me.
3. Which brings me to SV. Hmmm. We spent the day together, mostly. After clinics (Ophtho for me) we had lunch and we bought apples and oranges and custard apples and pears. And then we sat around in GD (Lib) doing ENT. Futile effort.
He constantly makes all these stupid jokes and i still havent gotten the hang of dealing with it. Sometimes i feel like my brain is going to explode from the sheer lameness of it all.
But he makes up for it. Gets me vada pav and thums up anytime i want :p He's a complete sweetheart. Like its been way past my time threshold (you know how after a certain point of time, the 'cute' things your guy does suddenly start irritating the hell out of you?) yeah, so I'm waaaay past that time threshold, and i swear to god, its impossible to stay angry at the boy!
he's not a smooth talker all the time, but BOY can he turn it on when he needs to... that coupled with total understanding of my feelings makes everything better INSTANTLY. I'm not kidding. He's perfect. In many ways.
:D
okay more later
Monday, November 02, 2009
the ART of CHILLING
It was just any other Sunday afternoon.
And sundays are very very essential to us, let me tell you. its the only day we get to
a. sleep late
b. read a non textbook book
c. nap after lunch
d. walk to end point and get ice cream on the way back
etc etc etc
so anyway. end of a shitty week. until. i got invited to the most awesome sunday brunch treat ever! (thanks to Indiblogger, esp Renie!)
Picture this. Poolside party at Valley View. DJ playing awesome music. BBQ chicken and paneer tikka. And beer. SO MUCH BEER...and all of it free! (thanks to Fosters :P)
It was the 'Art of Chilling' party at Manipal... and maybe i DID learn a thing or two about chilling!
Check out the pics here!
It was me, SV, and a bunch of others i ran into from class (no other bloggers, sadly deluded couldnt make it) we spent a few hours lounging around the pool, but it was too tempting not to jump in. So we did!!! it was brilliant! splashing around, with a waterpolo ball, listening to lounge-y music. I havent felt that relaxed in a long long time. Floating on my back with a can of chilled beer in my hand is a feeling im not gonna forget too easily...
which is why art of chilling needs to happen again and again in manipal! GUYS PLEASE KEEP COMING BACK!
the party finally ended at 6pm.. when we left reluctantly. Slightly tipsy, but very happy and totally chilled out. Needed the break from the crazy med student schedule. Hey. Who says med students dont have fun in life??
Cheers!
And sundays are very very essential to us, let me tell you. its the only day we get to
a. sleep late
b. read a non textbook book
c. nap after lunch
d. walk to end point and get ice cream on the way back
etc etc etc
so anyway. end of a shitty week. until. i got invited to the most awesome sunday brunch treat ever! (thanks to Indiblogger, esp Renie!)
Picture this. Poolside party at Valley View. DJ playing awesome music. BBQ chicken and paneer tikka. And beer. SO MUCH BEER...and all of it free! (thanks to Fosters :P)
It was the 'Art of Chilling' party at Manipal... and maybe i DID learn a thing or two about chilling!
Check out the pics here!
It was me, SV, and a bunch of others i ran into from class (no other bloggers, sadly deluded couldnt make it) we spent a few hours lounging around the pool, but it was too tempting not to jump in. So we did!!! it was brilliant! splashing around, with a waterpolo ball, listening to lounge-y music. I havent felt that relaxed in a long long time. Floating on my back with a can of chilled beer in my hand is a feeling im not gonna forget too easily...
which is why art of chilling needs to happen again and again in manipal! GUYS PLEASE KEEP COMING BACK!
the party finally ended at 6pm.. when we left reluctantly. Slightly tipsy, but very happy and totally chilled out. Needed the break from the crazy med student schedule. Hey. Who says med students dont have fun in life??
Cheers!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The End or Happily Ever After or Goodbye
long time
things are changing again. this constant state of flux isnt for everyone.
ok bullet points:
1. batch photoshoots driving me crazy. i feel like im walking on a thin line between sanity and rage. constantly feel that way all the time, unless im with SV
2. still borderline failing exams
3. SV:
oh my god, this is it. finally. a new clean slate, a brand new chance to start over. for real. after all the shallowness and emptiness and loneliness, i have a FRIEND now, and we're in love.
4. i got my belly button pierced and it looks SEXY :)
5. this blog.
is now closed. i remember i started it to chronicle college etc. but its no longer appropriate to my life. i need to start over. and get rid of all the heavy baggage ive been carrying for so long.
bye bye
and wish me luck.
when shall we meet again?
in thunder, lightening or in rain?
how shall we greet in many years?
with hugs and kisses or silence and tears?
things are changing again. this constant state of flux isnt for everyone.
ok bullet points:
1. batch photoshoots driving me crazy. i feel like im walking on a thin line between sanity and rage. constantly feel that way all the time, unless im with SV
2. still borderline failing exams
3. SV:
oh my god, this is it. finally. a new clean slate, a brand new chance to start over. for real. after all the shallowness and emptiness and loneliness, i have a FRIEND now, and we're in love.
4. i got my belly button pierced and it looks SEXY :)
5. this blog.
is now closed. i remember i started it to chronicle college etc. but its no longer appropriate to my life. i need to start over. and get rid of all the heavy baggage ive been carrying for so long.
bye bye
and wish me luck.
when shall we meet again?
in thunder, lightening or in rain?
how shall we greet in many years?
with hugs and kisses or silence and tears?
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
closure
you couldnt even bother to stay in touch with your best friend.
all those years she made sure that she was close to you. she insisted that you meet her every once in a while. that you call her often, just to see how things are going. that you reply to her text messages in the middle of class.
and now that she's gone, you stopped caring. it is as though she was the only one who ever cared.
all those times i spent beating myself up about why we broke up and whether i did the right thing. now i know.
all those reasons, they were real. they are true. and you've proved it.
what friendship is this? i'm beginning to hate you, to feel disgust when i think of the past we shared, when i think of how hard i clung on to you.
we have nothing left. goodbye.
all those years she made sure that she was close to you. she insisted that you meet her every once in a while. that you call her often, just to see how things are going. that you reply to her text messages in the middle of class.
and now that she's gone, you stopped caring. it is as though she was the only one who ever cared.
all those times i spent beating myself up about why we broke up and whether i did the right thing. now i know.
all those reasons, they were real. they are true. and you've proved it.
what friendship is this? i'm beginning to hate you, to feel disgust when i think of the past we shared, when i think of how hard i clung on to you.
we have nothing left. goodbye.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
...rescue operation
i thought that the horrible mood i was in (the last time i posted) was cos Mag work was piling up. and elective deadlines were approaching (both are still piling and approaching, respectively) and also because my friends are on vacation. but a certain someone said to me: hey! you haven't spent enough time with me lately. No jogs, and no breakfast sessions before clinics. come out, lets have dinner, and you'll feel the difference in ten minutes.
his confidence irks me sometimes, but he was right. i did feel better. and the last two days have been a lot of fun, and i also got work done! the mag ball is rolling (and gaining momentum, hopefully) and elective research is complete. i know where i'm applying, more or less.
so here's a big Thank You to you, (even though you'll probably never read this). And especially for last night. Best Saturday night i've had in a while, because YOU made it special. with the peach vodka and all the chocolates and the JackDaniels. i love what we have, though its slightly odd.
I'm really really tired. my energy sapped. drained. yet my muscles are soooo relaxed. must be all the endorphins.
all is right in my world. except one question that needs to be asked. WHERE did my weekend go?
his confidence irks me sometimes, but he was right. i did feel better. and the last two days have been a lot of fun, and i also got work done! the mag ball is rolling (and gaining momentum, hopefully) and elective research is complete. i know where i'm applying, more or less.
so here's a big Thank You to you, (even though you'll probably never read this). And especially for last night. Best Saturday night i've had in a while, because YOU made it special. with the peach vodka and all the chocolates and the JackDaniels. i love what we have, though its slightly odd.
I'm really really tired. my energy sapped. drained. yet my muscles are soooo relaxed. must be all the endorphins.
all is right in my world. except one question that needs to be asked. WHERE did my weekend go?
Friday, June 26, 2009
Elective Madness
'forWARD and onWARD! to harWARD!' hehehe thats me!
'also..
when i searched "visiting electives" in san diego; they gave me a search result: "visiting for an elective caesarean ?!" ! wht the fuck' and this one's from JD, a gtalk conversation we had last night.
crazy busy times. mag work overwhelming. its impossible to handle both school and mag work at the same time. yet somehow, i've got to do it. this semester is going to wring me dry.
had ENT case presentation today. things went very well, until he asked me to draw the tympanic membrane on the white board. i blanked out, couldn't draw the correct side, and had no idea how to define a large central perforation. i'm a complete failure.
and i met Dr Vinay Kumar today! (of Robbins, Cotran, Kumar, Abbas, Fausto fame) he came to college to talk to the 5th sem students, i bunked class to attend. it was interesting and at the end of it i got my copy of Robbins signed by him. the new edition will be out this year, and includes a new author: Jon Aster. Looks like Brigham hospital is the place to be! if you're a Pathologist, that is.
i yelled at my committee today. no sense of responsibility they have, these 5th semester kids. they need to know who's calling the shots.
i'm in a very very bad mood. and i want to not be disturbed. by anyone or anything. i need some quiet time, alone. i haven't been this angry at the world in very long.
'also..
when i searched "visiting electives" in san diego; they gave me a search result: "visiting for an elective caesarean ?!" ! wht the fuck' and this one's from JD, a gtalk conversation we had last night.
crazy busy times. mag work overwhelming. its impossible to handle both school and mag work at the same time. yet somehow, i've got to do it. this semester is going to wring me dry.
had ENT case presentation today. things went very well, until he asked me to draw the tympanic membrane on the white board. i blanked out, couldn't draw the correct side, and had no idea how to define a large central perforation. i'm a complete failure.
and i met Dr Vinay Kumar today! (of Robbins, Cotran, Kumar, Abbas, Fausto fame) he came to college to talk to the 5th sem students, i bunked class to attend. it was interesting and at the end of it i got my copy of Robbins signed by him. the new edition will be out this year, and includes a new author: Jon Aster. Looks like Brigham hospital is the place to be! if you're a Pathologist, that is.
i yelled at my committee today. no sense of responsibility they have, these 5th semester kids. they need to know who's calling the shots.
i'm in a very very bad mood. and i want to not be disturbed. by anyone or anything. i need some quiet time, alone. i haven't been this angry at the world in very long.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
ENT sessional:
this year we have one and a half hour sessionals. 40 mark papers. makes it seem less intimidating somehow. until you realise that if u don't know 2 questions out of 7, it means you're failing. no point even attempting it.
which means i had to study. everything. EVERYTHING, do you understand? and knowing me, and how i get bored so easily (this means you, Y. snigger snigger) i had a hard time sticking to a schedule. which means i DINT study everything.
not that im failing or anything, i mean i dint know one 4 mark question on the impedence matching function of the middle ear, but the rest of it was pretty ok. im just ZONKED. who uses that word anymore?
i have an ENT OSCE tomorrow. and im hating the fact that im gonna have to study the same subject again. im used to a kind of release, a kind of gratefulness at not having to go over the same stuff again, and now im just ticked off.
an OSCE btw is like this objective test based on clinical settings: so its about x rays and case studies and photographs of patients and surgical instruments etc. i cant believe i dont know what OSCE stands for.
in happy news:
Her mom met my mom today! in delhi! yay. hopefully i'll get to meet Her whenever im in chennai. now that parents have met, its gonna be all chilled out!
things are not progressing anymore, and i'm getting over it.
Sim's coming back! this monday. right before my Surgery exam. timing.
i need a vacation. soon. things are getting to me. im depressed, and lonely. and i really wanna just SEE mom for a while. just BE. but i cant go home anytime soon, because right after exams i start ENT posting (UGH. WHY IS MY LIFE SO FULL OF ENT!) and i cant miss it because of the end posting exam and cos i need to know how to take an ent case! before Unis!
this year we have one and a half hour sessionals. 40 mark papers. makes it seem less intimidating somehow. until you realise that if u don't know 2 questions out of 7, it means you're failing. no point even attempting it.
which means i had to study. everything. EVERYTHING, do you understand? and knowing me, and how i get bored so easily (this means you, Y. snigger snigger) i had a hard time sticking to a schedule. which means i DINT study everything.
not that im failing or anything, i mean i dint know one 4 mark question on the impedence matching function of the middle ear, but the rest of it was pretty ok. im just ZONKED. who uses that word anymore?
i have an ENT OSCE tomorrow. and im hating the fact that im gonna have to study the same subject again. im used to a kind of release, a kind of gratefulness at not having to go over the same stuff again, and now im just ticked off.
an OSCE btw is like this objective test based on clinical settings: so its about x rays and case studies and photographs of patients and surgical instruments etc. i cant believe i dont know what OSCE stands for.
in happy news:
Her mom met my mom today! in delhi! yay. hopefully i'll get to meet Her whenever im in chennai. now that parents have met, its gonna be all chilled out!
things are not progressing anymore, and i'm getting over it.
Sim's coming back! this monday. right before my Surgery exam. timing.
i need a vacation. soon. things are getting to me. im depressed, and lonely. and i really wanna just SEE mom for a while. just BE. but i cant go home anytime soon, because right after exams i start ENT posting (UGH. WHY IS MY LIFE SO FULL OF ENT!) and i cant miss it because of the end posting exam and cos i need to know how to take an ent case! before Unis!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I miss school
its almost 5 am
I'm still up. online. not studying (exams in 48 hours. starts with a ComMed paper. wtf etc)
my Gilmore Girls addiction has run out of fuel cos she wont supply me with fresh episodes until AFTER the exams.
So ive just been online.. doing the usual. catching up on QC etc. went to my school's website. people are doing SO well for themselves! I feel like Im stagnating in KMC. after all, 5 years, without a degree. its not very heartwarming.
But i miss school sometimes. perhaps i will write for their newsletter after my exams.
I'm barely in touch with ANYONE from school. even though i was in love with that place. all juniors i knew have graduated. only faculty remains. and do they remember me? most wont. those who had children in my batch probably do though.
Ive been thinking about how we define ourselves in our lives. its completely up to me, who i want to be. i can be the 'dont really care about school and where i came from, even though it made me who i am today' kinda girl. or i can be the 'let me stay in touch with the (second) love of my life, let me make an effort at establishing and maintaining contact with the faculty' kinda girl.
I'm sure there's tons of stuff i can write about. like the changes we've all had to deal with after we leave school. like all the NON academic stuff that school taught us, that im still so grateful for. a list of funny memories from school that everyone will relate to. stuff like that. *gasp!* i can be like a guest columnist!
But first. must pass exams. prospects? reasonably high. i dont aim on topping this year, just maintaining a decent average. the magazine being my excuse. but i cannot afford to fail.
its amazing how these ideas strike me just during exam time. its like all that repressed creativity looking for an outlet.
i've been missing Y like crazy too. its the tension in the air. exam stress always made me call him more, yell at him more, typical attention seeking behaviour. i cant believe he isnt around anymore. he SAID he would call me, he WOULD stay in touch.
we made all these promises while we were going out. about how we'd always be important to each other. i havent spoken to him in months! and i think im the only one who misses that. and i have this huge ego which wont allow me to call him first and grovel for attention. (in my defence, the last time we talked, i TOLD him this was gonna happen. i knew i wouldnt be calling him, so i told him to make sure he shows he cares by calling me! and i also told him i wouldnt say this again. so there u have it. i cant do anything, except wait. yes, i'd much rather do that than call him and yell)
ELECTIVES: ive done more elective work in the last week, than ive been able to do in the last 6 months! just shows how boring exam time can be. tedious. i got my titres done, my mantoux test, and i've also shortlisted colleges i might wanna apply to. i think i need to take the TOEFL, which i shall schedule later, after exams. i'm excited about this, i hope it works out for me. i need to do something cool, like the other kids from my school, who are SO AWESOME. also the experience would be amazing. i have no idea what kinda environment it'll actually be like. i'm thinking NOTHING like Scrubs or House. NOTE TO SELF: NO COUNTING UNHATCHED CHICKENS.
DramaQueen's closest friend from school was here a week back. she's at Christ, Bangalore studying Journalism, English Lit and Psychology. Ah, to be her...
So anyway i casually asked her about Prufrock and turns out, she's studied it in depth for class! I got a print out and she explained everything to me! All my Prufrock questions finally answered! Hooray. I have to say though, that knowing its actual meaning has made the poem unbelievably depressing! earlier there was some magic to its rhythm. now i just feel sorry for the pathetic old man, and i see myself in him, 30 years from now. help.
I'm still up. online. not studying (exams in 48 hours. starts with a ComMed paper. wtf etc)
my Gilmore Girls addiction has run out of fuel cos she wont supply me with fresh episodes until AFTER the exams.
So ive just been online.. doing the usual. catching up on QC etc. went to my school's website. people are doing SO well for themselves! I feel like Im stagnating in KMC. after all, 5 years, without a degree. its not very heartwarming.
But i miss school sometimes. perhaps i will write for their newsletter after my exams.
I'm barely in touch with ANYONE from school. even though i was in love with that place. all juniors i knew have graduated. only faculty remains. and do they remember me? most wont. those who had children in my batch probably do though.
Ive been thinking about how we define ourselves in our lives. its completely up to me, who i want to be. i can be the 'dont really care about school and where i came from, even though it made me who i am today' kinda girl. or i can be the 'let me stay in touch with the (second) love of my life, let me make an effort at establishing and maintaining contact with the faculty' kinda girl.
I'm sure there's tons of stuff i can write about. like the changes we've all had to deal with after we leave school. like all the NON academic stuff that school taught us, that im still so grateful for. a list of funny memories from school that everyone will relate to. stuff like that. *gasp!* i can be like a guest columnist!
But first. must pass exams. prospects? reasonably high. i dont aim on topping this year, just maintaining a decent average. the magazine being my excuse. but i cannot afford to fail.
its amazing how these ideas strike me just during exam time. its like all that repressed creativity looking for an outlet.
i've been missing Y like crazy too. its the tension in the air. exam stress always made me call him more, yell at him more, typical attention seeking behaviour. i cant believe he isnt around anymore. he SAID he would call me, he WOULD stay in touch.
we made all these promises while we were going out. about how we'd always be important to each other. i havent spoken to him in months! and i think im the only one who misses that. and i have this huge ego which wont allow me to call him first and grovel for attention. (in my defence, the last time we talked, i TOLD him this was gonna happen. i knew i wouldnt be calling him, so i told him to make sure he shows he cares by calling me! and i also told him i wouldnt say this again. so there u have it. i cant do anything, except wait. yes, i'd much rather do that than call him and yell)
ELECTIVES: ive done more elective work in the last week, than ive been able to do in the last 6 months! just shows how boring exam time can be. tedious. i got my titres done, my mantoux test, and i've also shortlisted colleges i might wanna apply to. i think i need to take the TOEFL, which i shall schedule later, after exams. i'm excited about this, i hope it works out for me. i need to do something cool, like the other kids from my school, who are SO AWESOME. also the experience would be amazing. i have no idea what kinda environment it'll actually be like. i'm thinking NOTHING like Scrubs or House. NOTE TO SELF: NO COUNTING UNHATCHED CHICKENS.
DramaQueen's closest friend from school was here a week back. she's at Christ, Bangalore studying Journalism, English Lit and Psychology. Ah, to be her...
So anyway i casually asked her about Prufrock and turns out, she's studied it in depth for class! I got a print out and she explained everything to me! All my Prufrock questions finally answered! Hooray. I have to say though, that knowing its actual meaning has made the poem unbelievably depressing! earlier there was some magic to its rhythm. now i just feel sorry for the pathetic old man, and i see myself in him, 30 years from now. help.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
MCI - II
So this is a first hand account of what I experienced on Fri morning..
ENT clinics, we were posted in OT that day. After changing into scrubs, putting on surgical caps and masks, we walked into OR6 where the surgeon was performing a tympanoplasty. He was a good teacher, and I happened to be standing right behind the PostGrad student assisting him. The incision behind the ear was made, retractors put in to stretch and open up the incision, thus giving the surgeons room to maneuver. suction, and gauze; constant cautery to stop blood leaks. going deeper into the body, muscle fibres and fascia.
His phone rang. it was someone from the Dean's office, summoning him there to report to the MCI. I was there, i heard the conversation:
He wants me there now? I'm in OT with a patient.
you want me to de-scrub and come? right now? what? cant it wait 45 minutes?
right now? alright. I'm coming, I'm coming. Tell him im on my way.
he hung up and turned to the patient. he packed the deep incision with gauze and cotton. Told the anesthetist that he's gonna have to keep the patient down for a while longer. said to the head nurse: its all in your hands, sister.
He tore his gloves off and snarled at us: I know the MCI doesn't care about the students here. But atleast they should care about the patients!
Then he walked out of OR6. i was shocked. what could possibly be so important? the MCI is full of doctors, do they not understand that leaving a patient in general anesthesia longer than necessary isn't the most prudent thing to do? whatever they needed from him, it could have waited another 45 minutes. what is more important than a patient lying on that table with a gaping hole in his ear?
what are their priorities? where are their ethics?
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in other, lighter news:
exams are almost upon me. and as usual im terrified about not being able to pass with glory.
not been spending enough time with Her. i miss her and i keep telling her that which is stupid cos now she thinks im all clingy and desperate.
spent most my waking hours in the lib today. didnt get too much done, just read through 3 chapters of ENT super fast. Anatomy, physiology of the nose and paranasal sinuses.
went to take case at 4:30pm (for Radiotherapy afternoon clinics) but the patient assigned to us had been discharged already.
tomorrow morning, i look forward to 6am swim followed by breakfast! tea and toast and butter and marmalade. yum. actually right now, i'd just about do anything to spend time with her.
hehe speaking of which, we're taking a walk to the temple at around 7pm. its a sunday ritual for her, and i asked if i could accompany her today. she said: ok, but only if you dont talk as much as you do!
later.
ENT clinics, we were posted in OT that day. After changing into scrubs, putting on surgical caps and masks, we walked into OR6 where the surgeon was performing a tympanoplasty. He was a good teacher, and I happened to be standing right behind the PostGrad student assisting him. The incision behind the ear was made, retractors put in to stretch and open up the incision, thus giving the surgeons room to maneuver. suction, and gauze; constant cautery to stop blood leaks. going deeper into the body, muscle fibres and fascia.
His phone rang. it was someone from the Dean's office, summoning him there to report to the MCI. I was there, i heard the conversation:
He wants me there now? I'm in OT with a patient.
you want me to de-scrub and come? right now? what? cant it wait 45 minutes?
right now? alright. I'm coming, I'm coming. Tell him im on my way.
he hung up and turned to the patient. he packed the deep incision with gauze and cotton. Told the anesthetist that he's gonna have to keep the patient down for a while longer. said to the head nurse: its all in your hands, sister.
He tore his gloves off and snarled at us: I know the MCI doesn't care about the students here. But atleast they should care about the patients!
Then he walked out of OR6. i was shocked. what could possibly be so important? the MCI is full of doctors, do they not understand that leaving a patient in general anesthesia longer than necessary isn't the most prudent thing to do? whatever they needed from him, it could have waited another 45 minutes. what is more important than a patient lying on that table with a gaping hole in his ear?
what are their priorities? where are their ethics?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
in other, lighter news:
exams are almost upon me. and as usual im terrified about not being able to pass with glory.
not been spending enough time with Her. i miss her and i keep telling her that which is stupid cos now she thinks im all clingy and desperate.
spent most my waking hours in the lib today. didnt get too much done, just read through 3 chapters of ENT super fast. Anatomy, physiology of the nose and paranasal sinuses.
went to take case at 4:30pm (for Radiotherapy afternoon clinics) but the patient assigned to us had been discharged already.
tomorrow morning, i look forward to 6am swim followed by breakfast! tea and toast and butter and marmalade. yum. actually right now, i'd just about do anything to spend time with her.
hehe speaking of which, we're taking a walk to the temple at around 7pm. its a sunday ritual for her, and i asked if i could accompany her today. she said: ok, but only if you dont talk as much as you do!
later.
MCI - I
MCI inspection is happening on campus right now. They go to extreme lengths to ensure that they find a bunch of significant flaws in our set-up here, or our teaching method, or our living standards. or something.
For example:
For example:
- Our state-of-the-art lecture hall complex is just not upto their standards. its a beautiful building, named Interact. Its got lecture halls surrounding this central atrium. Its bright and sunny and beautiful. its airconditioned, has a whiteboard and a blackboard, a computer and a projector, wifi connectivity, and comfortable desks and chairs arranged in a amphitheater like configuration. MCI hates it because these TWELVE lecture halls are used, at different times, by MBBS students, BDS students and maybe B.Pharm students as well. To comply with MCI standards, we've had to build an ugly partition bang in the centre of Interact. Separating it into MBBS and non MBBS lecture halls. With, DIFFERENT ENTRANCES! Its like a form of academic racism.
- Our hostels! they hate them. we have round the clock electricity, wifi, hot and cold water taps, individual bathrooms (there are NO COMMON TOILETS), round the clock security, a coffee shop and general tuck shop open till midnight. they dont like that MBBS, BDS, BPharm, Biotech students live together in the same building. THAT is their problem. In what world class academic institution (and MU is pretty much that) is this sort of academic segregation sanctioned? my non MBBS friends had to move out of their rooms and into this other building. some of them had to do it while their exams were on. why why why? we lived happily together. this diversity in my corridor was quite refreshing.
- The beautiful Library. Once, we could sit wherever we wanted. Group disucssion room on level 1, private study areas on Level 3, computer lab, the major study hubs at level 1 and 2. Now? level 2 is reserved JUST for MBBS. this is so retarded.
i wonder what their problem really is? I love my college. we are good. we have standards. our departments are full of dedicated teachers. we have never had a single lecture or clinical class cancelled. in other colleges there's always a chronic lack of faculty... we also have the equipment, the facilities, the latest editions of the important books. online journals. we have a campus that functions like a campus.
i wonder how many colleges would be derecognised if MCI was uniformly strict with their inspections.
Monday, May 04, 2009
conversation
i'm sitting in Her room. I'm on the bed and she's sprawled on the floor in front of me while i massage coconut oil into her hair. its something i've done several times for her. she likes oiling her hair the night before a swim. says it helps control hairfall. me, i dont think it does anything of the sort, but i enjoy the ritual as much as her. the first time i offered to do it, she asked me if i'd do it for her every time, and she was rather taken aback when i said yes.
sitting like this; close, but her back's towards me. its comfortable. perfect for a long chat, important or unimportant. i know i can influence how long the massage lasts just by altering the pressure on my fingertips... taking her into states of relaxation she's reluctant to get out of.
tonight, i venture down her back...rubbing between her shoulder blades, stretching her arms and arching her back. we're talking about ENT case taking, its my case tomorrow and im not sure yet how to use a nasal speculum and a head mirror and other such intricasies. she's good at ALL this stuff. one of the many reasons why the mindfucking's going on right now.
in the middle of my sentence, she pipes up:
What the hell are you doing in medical school?
and i'm like: um. i like it here... i wanted to be here...
you should've been in some hippie place. on some beach. in a shack that offers massages and pot. it would be the ultimate combination!
i laughed my guts out at the crazy picture of me being a masseuse at a massage-and-pot-parlour at some beachy place and told her i'd blog about what she said.
she stumbled upon my blog btw. in my room, on my laptop. i shut it down hastily. she ran upstairs to her room and tried to access it, but by then i'd moved it from koilonychia to manipal manual :)
i dont want her reading this. not just yet.
sitting like this; close, but her back's towards me. its comfortable. perfect for a long chat, important or unimportant. i know i can influence how long the massage lasts just by altering the pressure on my fingertips... taking her into states of relaxation she's reluctant to get out of.
tonight, i venture down her back...rubbing between her shoulder blades, stretching her arms and arching her back. we're talking about ENT case taking, its my case tomorrow and im not sure yet how to use a nasal speculum and a head mirror and other such intricasies. she's good at ALL this stuff. one of the many reasons why the mindfucking's going on right now.
in the middle of my sentence, she pipes up:
What the hell are you doing in medical school?
and i'm like: um. i like it here... i wanted to be here...
you should've been in some hippie place. on some beach. in a shack that offers massages and pot. it would be the ultimate combination!
i laughed my guts out at the crazy picture of me being a masseuse at a massage-and-pot-parlour at some beachy place and told her i'd blog about what she said.
she stumbled upon my blog btw. in my room, on my laptop. i shut it down hastily. she ran upstairs to her room and tried to access it, but by then i'd moved it from koilonychia to manipal manual :)
i dont want her reading this. not just yet.
Mindfucking.
i'm tired, i need to sleep.
tmrw morning, i wake up at 6am to swim for an hour at the pool, and then MAKE breakfast. yes, She has a toaster, we bought bread and butter. its gonna be hot toast and tea (courtesy my giant 2 litre cordless electric kettle. that leaks btw) and marmalade and honey and peanut butter. (we'll imagine that its the brilliant nutella pancakes we ate for breakfast at Gokarna's Ganga Cafe)
She and i go swimming together. after Gokarna thats all we have left going together. apart from random dinners and, once in a while, movie sleepovers.
i was just hanging out in her room before curfew, and im still wishing we could spend more time together but she wanted to sleep.
I have never met anyone like her. no, i have. i've met many like her, but i've never known them as well as i know her. never been this close. since gokarna, everything's changed. and yet its exactly the same. i watched her chain smoke the night away, while whining about the lack of alcohol. i've heard her stories, and i've been able to tell her mine. which is a big deal.
i cant help that im so attached to her now! i want her around all the time. and i want to hear her crazy laughter cheer me up. and the gleam in her eyes when she's being sarcastic. and the way she's always THERE when you need her to be.
i hope i can be there for her too.
i feel like i finally found that one person that i can actually reveal everything to. everything. no one knows my entire story.
i will now quote eM since i'm too tired to express for myself what she's already expressed more brilliantly than i ever could:
Girls are great. Having girl friends is awesome. Having girl friends means having someone to talk about your FEELINGS with, over and over again, obsessing wildly while they obsess with you and then you obsess with them. Girl friends giggle at the right places, and they have your back (mostly) and they know to call you the next day for a detailed post mortem and they hug and you don't have to shield any part of your body (my boys are great but such BOY boys that it's hard to forget sometimes). And they tell you if there's going to be a wardrobe malfunction and you know you look good if they say you look good.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about girl crushes. I don't mean like sexual crushes. I mean just the whole, "Oh we have to hang out!" and "Oh, my new friend so-and-so said that movie was great!" It's mentionitis to the core, it's wanting to hang out with them all the time, it's even drunk texting to give status updates on where you are and what you're doing. Girl crushes are heady, pure things. Guys do Man Crushes as well--"Oh we have to get together and play soccer!" and "Oh do you think he'll call? He's got to call, I got him that new DVD we talked about!" Same-sex straight crushes are at once the most charming and most amusing things I've ever seen.
Have I had girl crushes? Oh many times. In fact, I think most of my female friends today are a result of these encounters. I cannot get ENOUGH of them in our beginning stages of flirting, I can't ask them to go shopping too many times, I can't stop texting and I can't stop blurting out details of my life that would probably make even close friends from before raise an eyebrow. But the great thing about girl crushes is that they never raise an eyebrow. They say, "I know!" and "Me too!" and you love them in that moment, both of your eyes sparkling and you love them when both of you turn to boys you're flirting with and there is a hidden gleam passing between the two of you which no one can penetrate.
Does this sound sexual? It does a bit, doesn't it, now that I'm writing it down? But it's nooooot, it's so not and that's what makes it beautiful. It's like being a kid again and wanting to know the shape and texture of your cousin's bellybutton and feeling the powdery softness of butterfly wings against your fingertips and drinking water so cold it hurts the back of your throat and the inside of your brains. It's all those undefinable, uncategorised feelings and it's about hip bumping as you sashay down the street and sharing cigarettes and each of you looking at the other and knowing you are young and beautiul together.
tmrw morning, i wake up at 6am to swim for an hour at the pool, and then MAKE breakfast. yes, She has a toaster, we bought bread and butter. its gonna be hot toast and tea (courtesy my giant 2 litre cordless electric kettle. that leaks btw) and marmalade and honey and peanut butter. (we'll imagine that its the brilliant nutella pancakes we ate for breakfast at Gokarna's Ganga Cafe)
She and i go swimming together. after Gokarna thats all we have left going together. apart from random dinners and, once in a while, movie sleepovers.
i was just hanging out in her room before curfew, and im still wishing we could spend more time together but she wanted to sleep.
I have never met anyone like her. no, i have. i've met many like her, but i've never known them as well as i know her. never been this close. since gokarna, everything's changed. and yet its exactly the same. i watched her chain smoke the night away, while whining about the lack of alcohol. i've heard her stories, and i've been able to tell her mine. which is a big deal.
i cant help that im so attached to her now! i want her around all the time. and i want to hear her crazy laughter cheer me up. and the gleam in her eyes when she's being sarcastic. and the way she's always THERE when you need her to be.
i hope i can be there for her too.
i feel like i finally found that one person that i can actually reveal everything to. everything. no one knows my entire story.
i will now quote eM since i'm too tired to express for myself what she's already expressed more brilliantly than i ever could:
Girls are great. Having girl friends is awesome. Having girl friends means having someone to talk about your FEELINGS with, over and over again, obsessing wildly while they obsess with you and then you obsess with them. Girl friends giggle at the right places, and they have your back (mostly) and they know to call you the next day for a detailed post mortem and they hug and you don't have to shield any part of your body (my boys are great but such BOY boys that it's hard to forget sometimes). And they tell you if there's going to be a wardrobe malfunction and you know you look good if they say you look good.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about girl crushes. I don't mean like sexual crushes. I mean just the whole, "Oh we have to hang out!" and "Oh, my new friend so-and-so said that movie was great!" It's mentionitis to the core, it's wanting to hang out with them all the time, it's even drunk texting to give status updates on where you are and what you're doing. Girl crushes are heady, pure things. Guys do Man Crushes as well--"Oh we have to get together and play soccer!" and "Oh do you think he'll call? He's got to call, I got him that new DVD we talked about!" Same-sex straight crushes are at once the most charming and most amusing things I've ever seen.
Have I had girl crushes? Oh many times. In fact, I think most of my female friends today are a result of these encounters. I cannot get ENOUGH of them in our beginning stages of flirting, I can't ask them to go shopping too many times, I can't stop texting and I can't stop blurting out details of my life that would probably make even close friends from before raise an eyebrow. But the great thing about girl crushes is that they never raise an eyebrow. They say, "I know!" and "Me too!" and you love them in that moment, both of your eyes sparkling and you love them when both of you turn to boys you're flirting with and there is a hidden gleam passing between the two of you which no one can penetrate.
Does this sound sexual? It does a bit, doesn't it, now that I'm writing it down? But it's nooooot, it's so not and that's what makes it beautiful. It's like being a kid again and wanting to know the shape and texture of your cousin's bellybutton and feeling the powdery softness of butterfly wings against your fingertips and drinking water so cold it hurts the back of your throat and the inside of your brains. It's all those undefinable, uncategorised feelings and it's about hip bumping as you sashay down the street and sharing cigarettes and each of you looking at the other and knowing you are young and beautiul together.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
on a lighter note!
'lallan' being an inside joke. my juniors named their cadavers. lallan was just one of that crowd.
courtesy of the edboard09
lips of an angel
Honey, why you calling me so late? It's kinda hard to talk right now. Honey, why are you crying? Is everything okay? I gotta whisper because I can't be too loud.
Well, my girlfriend's in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on.
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name...It sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel.
Hearing those words makes me weak...and I never wanna say goodbye. But you make it hard to be faithful, with the lips of an angel.
It's funny that you're calling me tonight! And, yes, I've dreamt of you too.
And does he know you're talking to me? Will it start a fight? No, I don't think she has a clue.
Honey why you calling me so late?
Its too late... for this conversation. Even though it's really good to hear your voice saying my name. Its time to move on.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Casualty
my friend got a phone call last night. his dad. called to tell him that this girl in MIT (daughter of a friend) was very sick, and would he please go to the emergency room and find out exactly what went wrong.
we rushed there, it was 10pm. he asked me to come along because the presence of a med student might allow the doctor to explain what was wrong better. (but honestly, he knows as much as me, maybe more)
we strode into Casualty confidently, ignoring the students (dressed so obviously like MIT) huddled outside. Found her lying unconscious on the bed, with an IV line in her wrist. Her room mate was standing by, she told us:
She hasnt been eating well. for the last couple of days. yesterday i got back from class and she was asleep. i dint disturb her, i think her medication makes her drowsy.
medication?
yeah, she's been on something for her skin problem
skin problem? what problem?
um, she has these rashes on her arms.. anyway she's been taking medicines for that since a year or so. long time. but she hadn't woken up till dinner time, and when i tried to wake her up she wouldnt respond. i panicked, and we got her here. you know, she's so quiet and withdrawn, she never talks about her problems with anyone...
the doctor had arrived and he looked at us questioningly. no one likes a crowd around a bed in Casualty. asked him what was up, (i'm a KMC student, i will understand your words):
She came in altered sensorium. as you can see, she still hasnt woken up. we're going to keep her here, and run some tests. base line tests.
will she be ok?
i can't say now. we have no idea what happened. lets wait for the blood reports.
seizure? hypoglycemic shock? anti histamine overdose? steroid withdrawal? (i whisper 'suicide' in my head and add it to my list)
we cant know for sure, he says. not until she wakes up and we can ask her what she remembers.
we told the MIT kids to call us anytime if they needed something. tried to explain to them what information we'd gathered. i went through her case sheets, prescriptions. no oral steroids, thank god. but still, loads of anti histamines.
what more could we do?
we walked away thinking about how precious life is, and how narrow the margin for error is.
we rushed there, it was 10pm. he asked me to come along because the presence of a med student might allow the doctor to explain what was wrong better. (but honestly, he knows as much as me, maybe more)
we strode into Casualty confidently, ignoring the students (dressed so obviously like MIT) huddled outside. Found her lying unconscious on the bed, with an IV line in her wrist. Her room mate was standing by, she told us:
She hasnt been eating well. for the last couple of days. yesterday i got back from class and she was asleep. i dint disturb her, i think her medication makes her drowsy.
medication?
yeah, she's been on something for her skin problem
skin problem? what problem?
um, she has these rashes on her arms.. anyway she's been taking medicines for that since a year or so. long time. but she hadn't woken up till dinner time, and when i tried to wake her up she wouldnt respond. i panicked, and we got her here. you know, she's so quiet and withdrawn, she never talks about her problems with anyone...
the doctor had arrived and he looked at us questioningly. no one likes a crowd around a bed in Casualty. asked him what was up, (i'm a KMC student, i will understand your words):
She came in altered sensorium. as you can see, she still hasnt woken up. we're going to keep her here, and run some tests. base line tests.
will she be ok?
i can't say now. we have no idea what happened. lets wait for the blood reports.
seizure? hypoglycemic shock? anti histamine overdose? steroid withdrawal? (i whisper 'suicide' in my head and add it to my list)
we cant know for sure, he says. not until she wakes up and we can ask her what she remembers.
we told the MIT kids to call us anytime if they needed something. tried to explain to them what information we'd gathered. i went through her case sheets, prescriptions. no oral steroids, thank god. but still, loads of anti histamines.
what more could we do?
we walked away thinking about how precious life is, and how narrow the margin for error is.
Friday, April 24, 2009
waterpolo, birthday, other random stuff
we DID win water polo.
the first time round, we beat the 2nd years at 2-1. thats when we figured we actually had a shot at the tournament. then we went on to beat F2, who're the reigning water polo champions. we beat them 5-0. wow. after that we played finals, against F2 again, we won 2-1.
yay! its the first time i've played a team game seriously. and i've bonded with the girls so much. its a different kind of connection you feel when you get to know ppl by playing with them on a team. i guess its like what soldiers must feel for each other during war.
KMC won utsav too, just like every year for the last 7 years. sigh. im seriously thinking its rigged. its no fun. knowing that there's no competition.
my birthday! no alcohol this year (surprise surprise!) i just went out for dessert with DramaQueen, Boy and BadGirl. yes, i know, corny names, but i dont feel creative right now. they bought me lots of mint chocolate mousse (yummy!) and a breezer. (oh crap, did i say no alcohol? breezer doesnt count).
i had an Ophtho end posting the next day.. so couldnt do anything wild. everyone knew i was stressed out, and i totally failed the end posting too. it was an OSCE and he gave us the answers at the end and i realised i hadnt got fifty percent correct. sniff sniff.
so anyway, that evening, i was called to lib CCD under some random pretext and i went along naively. to find the entire EdBoard there, with a chocolate fantasy cake, and a big card that everyone signed :) wow. it was an actual surprise. very very sweet of them. ( im so GLAD, i feel so loved. and i try my BEST not to make the same mistakes the previous E-in-C made with her team. so its gratifying to know that they love me)
and they made me a newspaper crown and sash (what IS it with editors and newspapers?? i'll never get it) which they made me wear. and there were sooo many pics!
Mag work has stalled (panic attack!). i have exams starting June 1st, have started studying. i try to be in the lib for an hour or two everyday.
we (the aforementioned four) might make a trip to Gokarna next week. 2 days of decadent fun. sun sand beach alcohol mentholsmokes moonlight seaspray: you get the idea :)
im swinging towards the girls again. specifically, towards BadGirl. she's my new muse. and she's dependable! for a change.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Rain
its raining again!
it poured down on us while we were standing around the pool watching our guys play water polo.
all day i've been missing him. actually since yesterday.. but last night i had DramaQueen for company so it wasnt that bad. I cant believe that this is still happening to me, that i still feel this way.
The rain just makes it worse.
I miss him so much, he's in all the songs i listen to and all the jokes i make that no one else gets. I missed utsav dance audition today cos i simply dint feel up to doing anything. and it was my last chance to perform, cos next year our batch wont be allowed to... and i KNOW im gonna regret this forever, on Utsav day ill be looking up at the stage thinking I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE! and i'm gonna beat myself up for the next 3 months. atleast. WHY? WHY dint i go? i had a very good reason a few hours ago. i just dint feel up to it. sigh.
i needed to talk to someone, to convince me.. tell me that i AM good enough and that i SHOULD give it a shot. Someone to show some support, some faith, in me. and there's no one to do that for me anymore. i just dint feel up to it.
went to this random water polo shit instead, to try and learn stuff. Damnit.
i still dream about him. its amazing, medically speaking.. or psychologically speaking. i never thought it would be like this. my subconscious taking over this way, memories resurfacing every night, emotions welling up inside me till i dont know what to do with them! you never realise exactly how much a person means to you till u lose them. i dont think about him in the day, but at night i cant stop these dreams.
its the depth of the connection, i guess. its not easy to turn 5 years to nothing. the depth, there's no end to it.
i've realised that now all i want in my life is to keep my parents happy and proud. nothing. else. matters. i have no dreams of my own anymore.
is that ok?
it poured down on us while we were standing around the pool watching our guys play water polo.
all day i've been missing him. actually since yesterday.. but last night i had DramaQueen for company so it wasnt that bad. I cant believe that this is still happening to me, that i still feel this way.
The rain just makes it worse.
I miss him so much, he's in all the songs i listen to and all the jokes i make that no one else gets. I missed utsav dance audition today cos i simply dint feel up to doing anything. and it was my last chance to perform, cos next year our batch wont be allowed to... and i KNOW im gonna regret this forever, on Utsav day ill be looking up at the stage thinking I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE! and i'm gonna beat myself up for the next 3 months. atleast. WHY? WHY dint i go? i had a very good reason a few hours ago. i just dint feel up to it. sigh.
i needed to talk to someone, to convince me.. tell me that i AM good enough and that i SHOULD give it a shot. Someone to show some support, some faith, in me. and there's no one to do that for me anymore. i just dint feel up to it.
went to this random water polo shit instead, to try and learn stuff. Damnit.
i still dream about him. its amazing, medically speaking.. or psychologically speaking. i never thought it would be like this. my subconscious taking over this way, memories resurfacing every night, emotions welling up inside me till i dont know what to do with them! you never realise exactly how much a person means to you till u lose them. i dont think about him in the day, but at night i cant stop these dreams.
its the depth of the connection, i guess. its not easy to turn 5 years to nothing. the depth, there's no end to it.
i've realised that now all i want in my life is to keep my parents happy and proud. nothing. else. matters. i have no dreams of my own anymore.
is that ok?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dance Vid
omg the video is out!
its a bad video but i havent been able to stop playing it! narcissism :P
its some classmate's camera and its not very good, as in, its impossible to make out who the people are unless you know what you're looking for... its as good as an anonymous vid.
waiting for the professional one to be released.. the one that AV dept does.. cant wait to see that one..
judging by this one though, there's no doubt why we won the first place. choreography and conceptualisation were both awesome, except for the torch sequence (dunno what went wrong there).
watch it if you're vela
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEBTxBBVmu4
PS: the high pitched shaky voice that comes on in the beginning is mine! i was very very nervous, i usually sound much more pleasant on a microphone :D
update
John Rzeznik... sigh
He's the lead singer of Goo Goo Dolls and i simply can't get his voice out of my mind...
Try listening to songs like (and i'm not even gonna refer to Iris, or Here is gone) Without you here, Its over, Slide, Black Balloon :) WITHOUT YOU HERE is so beautiful... vague, like u2, but with awesome chords, the kind that can make you cry.
I discovered that too much alcohol gives me fever (went out two nights back). Should lay off it a bit. My liver needs its space haha.. I STILL have half a litre of Bacardi in my cupboard, damn!
Clinics are chilled out. enjoying my last few days of Paed Surgery. On mon I start Ophtho which is really gruelling, it also heralds the start of END POSTING SEASON.
Oh by the way, we won first place for our awesome dance! yay!
Utsav meetings every other day and water polo (?) practices are keeping me busy and exhausted. Yes, water polo. Since im one of the very few girls who swim at kmc, im on the team by default! haha finally a sport i can play! i dont know the rules yet though... will try and fix that asap
more later
He's the lead singer of Goo Goo Dolls and i simply can't get his voice out of my mind...
Try listening to songs like (and i'm not even gonna refer to Iris, or Here is gone) Without you here, Its over, Slide, Black Balloon :) WITHOUT YOU HERE is so beautiful... vague, like u2, but with awesome chords, the kind that can make you cry.
I discovered that too much alcohol gives me fever (went out two nights back). Should lay off it a bit. My liver needs its space haha.. I STILL have half a litre of Bacardi in my cupboard, damn!
Clinics are chilled out. enjoying my last few days of Paed Surgery. On mon I start Ophtho which is really gruelling, it also heralds the start of END POSTING SEASON.
Oh by the way, we won first place for our awesome dance! yay!
Utsav meetings every other day and water polo (?) practices are keeping me busy and exhausted. Yes, water polo. Since im one of the very few girls who swim at kmc, im on the team by default! haha finally a sport i can play! i dont know the rules yet though... will try and fix that asap
more later
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Its been a busy time.
Verve reporting is going awesomely, my baby girls and boys are really sweet and willing, even though they may not be the best at what they do.
Mascot's up: Cute, ain't she?
Just your regular cute KMC girl hehe. I'm in love with her, and I have people working exclusively on her personality and her speech bubbles and thought bubbles etc. I'm so glad we developed this anime concept!
I'm loving my job SO much, I've forgotten what it was like to be a normal student. in fact, i've forgotten all about ENT and Ophtho and ComMed and also, Med and Surgery and OBG. I'm not studying. AT ALL.
We missed pot pouri finals by 1 point (Arrghh!). But our lil two member team made the quiz finals (YAY!)
Dance jitters: we perform on sunday. I got my costume (well half of it actually) yesterday. this shiny silvery lil shirt with puffy short sleeves and a wide-ish neck, no collar.. oh SO cute. I wanna wear it with a tie around my neck, just for style.. (always wanted to wear a tie on stage, one of the sexiest things a girl can incorporate into her costume in my opinion). The other half of this outfit is black harem pants, which i gotta go out and buy. soon.
Hard core practice schedules are on. Torch sequence is coming out well. Its just so much fun and such an endorphin high when we get on stage even just to practice, im ADDICTED. (one of the more safer addictions i currently have) Cant wait for sunday night!
sim left this morning. but last night she converted all my mascot chicks to high definition 300 dpi graphics. its SO cool to have graphics designer as your best friend. Especially if you're making a magazine.
gotta run to afternoon lecture now. OBG.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Handover...
...was simply lovely!
Im glad everyone on my committee showed up :) we were twenty five really beautiful people. I wore this black raw silk phulkari thing that mom designed long ago, with heels and my crimson jewels (read below). Hair was up with a knot pin thats also gorgeous, it looks like a snake with a corkscrew body. Sexy.
When my turn came, and they called me up to speak, people HOOTED. they cheered for me :) and it wasnt just EdBoard. That felt good, cos i was so NOT expecting it. I stood up, turned back and smiled at them, before walking to the stage and taking my place. Speech was well received (or so i heard, later on during dinner. They said i spoke naturally, and confidently, and that it dint sound rehearsed. Thats cos the speech was NOT rehearsed hehe. i finalised it 20 minutes before the start of the function, after my DramaQueen wrote me a rough draft.)
Well, on stage they had up one of those flimsy glass podiums up, (i HATE those, because you cant hide behind them, and if u fidget with your body, the whole world can see it)
So i walked up, waited for the rest of the cheering to stop (i was nervous as hell, but also on top of the world!) and started talking. It was quite a blur for me (my knees just WOULDN'T stop trembling), but i think im getting better at speaking in public, as long as its not competitive. I keep thinking of that time i had to present some community medicine seminar thing in third semester, and how surprised i was at the end of it cos people wouldnt stop telling me how good it was.
Sorry, but this is going to be a truly self obsessive, self worshipping type narcissistic post.
By the end of the night, we'd taken lots of pictures and hugged a million ppl. Ex ed-in-chief was really sweet to me, i guess she thinks i can do without the extra nastiness cos i have enough coming my way.
I'm happy, but also missing a lot of people
In order:
Mom and Dad, i wish you could see me like this. I look like the successful, beautiful, popular and capable daughter you always wanted.
Y, my happiness is incomplete without you. I'd like to hear you say once more how you're proud of me, and how i AM cool no matter what i think. i would have liked you to see me on stage like that, talking to my peers with confidence, knowing deep inside me that i AM the best one for this job.
N, i wish you were here, simply because you've ALWAYS been present at these events, and this time it just dint feel right that you weren't there. And because you're the only one who'd listen to me talk about it for hours and meticulously analyse every second of the night. And you wouldnt laugh at me afterwards if i told you i wanna go dancing because i'm feeling so good. You'd just take me, and we'd salsa to hip hop numbers.
M, because BOY you should have seen me tonight, cos it would have knocked your socks off, and you'd see that they WERE right to pick me, and that i CAN handle it AS well, if not better, than you did. (Im hoping I havent spoken too soon!)
Im glad everyone on my committee showed up :) we were twenty five really beautiful people. I wore this black raw silk phulkari thing that mom designed long ago, with heels and my crimson jewels (read below). Hair was up with a knot pin thats also gorgeous, it looks like a snake with a corkscrew body. Sexy.
When my turn came, and they called me up to speak, people HOOTED. they cheered for me :) and it wasnt just EdBoard. That felt good, cos i was so NOT expecting it. I stood up, turned back and smiled at them, before walking to the stage and taking my place. Speech was well received (or so i heard, later on during dinner. They said i spoke naturally, and confidently, and that it dint sound rehearsed. Thats cos the speech was NOT rehearsed hehe. i finalised it 20 minutes before the start of the function, after my DramaQueen wrote me a rough draft.)
Well, on stage they had up one of those flimsy glass podiums up, (i HATE those, because you cant hide behind them, and if u fidget with your body, the whole world can see it)
So i walked up, waited for the rest of the cheering to stop (i was nervous as hell, but also on top of the world!) and started talking. It was quite a blur for me (my knees just WOULDN'T stop trembling), but i think im getting better at speaking in public, as long as its not competitive. I keep thinking of that time i had to present some community medicine seminar thing in third semester, and how surprised i was at the end of it cos people wouldnt stop telling me how good it was.
Sorry, but this is going to be a truly self obsessive, self worshipping type narcissistic post.
By the end of the night, we'd taken lots of pictures and hugged a million ppl. Ex ed-in-chief was really sweet to me, i guess she thinks i can do without the extra nastiness cos i have enough coming my way.
I'm happy, but also missing a lot of people
In order:
Mom and Dad, i wish you could see me like this. I look like the successful, beautiful, popular and capable daughter you always wanted.
Y, my happiness is incomplete without you. I'd like to hear you say once more how you're proud of me, and how i AM cool no matter what i think. i would have liked you to see me on stage like that, talking to my peers with confidence, knowing deep inside me that i AM the best one for this job.
N, i wish you were here, simply because you've ALWAYS been present at these events, and this time it just dint feel right that you weren't there. And because you're the only one who'd listen to me talk about it for hours and meticulously analyse every second of the night. And you wouldnt laugh at me afterwards if i told you i wanna go dancing because i'm feeling so good. You'd just take me, and we'd salsa to hip hop numbers.
M, because BOY you should have seen me tonight, cos it would have knocked your socks off, and you'd see that they WERE right to pick me, and that i CAN handle it AS well, if not better, than you did. (Im hoping I havent spoken too soon!)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
barter
N left last night. I helped him walk his suitcase to the auto stand, and then we hugged and he left. I inherited a bunch of things from his collection of paraphernalia:
One cane chair, with cushioning and long arms. its insanely comfortable, and the long arms support a wooden board (also included) which can be used to study on. Ah, bliss. However, its taking up half the walking space in my room.
One well thumbed paperback copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Yippee!)
One 750ml bottle of Bacardi white rum. (! yes i KNOW)! it was gifted to him, but then he never got around to drinking it.. And he couldn't take it along with him on a bus to Bangalore. :D
One old shirt of his that i'd told him long back i wanted and he remembered to give it to me
All this in return for:
2 caps dextropropoxyphene (hehe)
Allowing him to borrow my Guyton (Physiology), Baweja (Microbiology), Arora (Parasitology), Chaurasia (Anatomy) and my Textbook of Forensic Medicine.
Its awesomely convenient for me, cos once he's done with them, he'll drop them off at my house, so i'll be saved the trouble of lugging these heavy books back home from Mpl.
Question:
what to do with SO much alcohol? A big bottle in my room.
Share it, yes. But who with? ( I dont wanna end up taking a couple of shots alone every night in my room, even though that would be fun too)
One cane chair, with cushioning and long arms. its insanely comfortable, and the long arms support a wooden board (also included) which can be used to study on. Ah, bliss. However, its taking up half the walking space in my room.
One well thumbed paperback copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Yippee!)
One 750ml bottle of Bacardi white rum. (! yes i KNOW)! it was gifted to him, but then he never got around to drinking it.. And he couldn't take it along with him on a bus to Bangalore. :D
One old shirt of his that i'd told him long back i wanted and he remembered to give it to me
All this in return for:
2 caps dextropropoxyphene (hehe)
Allowing him to borrow my Guyton (Physiology), Baweja (Microbiology), Arora (Parasitology), Chaurasia (Anatomy) and my Textbook of Forensic Medicine.
Its awesomely convenient for me, cos once he's done with them, he'll drop them off at my house, so i'll be saved the trouble of lugging these heavy books back home from Mpl.
Question:
what to do with SO much alcohol? A big bottle in my room.
Share it, yes. But who with? ( I dont wanna end up taking a couple of shots alone every night in my room, even though that would be fun too)
Monday, February 23, 2009
high
im so high
im missing u so much. you take two forms in my lie. you are the water and the smoke, the smoothtalker and brutually honest. moving in mysterious ways that i understand only too well. if you were around i'd complete your sentences and walk in your rhythm, but you're so weird, you decided to give up on it when it was at its zenith. god only knows why. you're decisions must be fine for right now. for tonight. but when you're sixty, you'll think like Yeats, and remember the good times when you are old and grey and full of sleep. remember that one girl loved the pilgrim soul in you; and the beauty of your changing faces, untill she died and joined the stars in the sky. i think i paraphrased that pretty accuarately.
yes, this is for you. YOU . the one who's reading. you never have the guts to leave your name or your intentions behind, lest i find out, huh? but its not like i dont know it already, dont forget, i know my psychology. i know what you're thinking.
fuck you, and i hope you're fucking happy right now. while u still can be. before you realise u made the biggest mistake of your life. perhaps we'll be able to talk then, i'd liketo help you out.
haha
yeah, you. its more than you imagine it is.
im so high
im missing u so much. you take two forms in my lie. you are the water and the smoke, the smoothtalker and brutually honest. moving in mysterious ways that i understand only too well. if you were around i'd complete your sentences and walk in your rhythm, but you're so weird, you decided to give up on it when it was at its zenith. god only knows why. you're decisions must be fine for right now. for tonight. but when you're sixty, you'll think like Yeats, and remember the good times when you are old and grey and full of sleep. remember that one girl loved the pilgrim soul in you; and the beauty of your changing faces, untill she died and joined the stars in the sky. i think i paraphrased that pretty accuarately.
yes, this is for you. YOU . the one who's reading. you never have the guts to leave your name or your intentions behind, lest i find out, huh? but its not like i dont know it already, dont forget, i know my psychology. i know what you're thinking.
fuck you, and i hope you're fucking happy right now. while u still can be. before you realise u made the biggest mistake of your life. perhaps we'll be able to talk then, i'd liketo help you out.
haha
yeah, you. its more than you imagine it is.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Kite
N's back! only for a few days though, to collect stuff and complete formalities. He's a DOCTOR now. WHOA. I met him when he was where i am. i was just a 2nd sem girl then, new to the whole lecture-practical-lunch-lecture-dissection routine... and he was a 6th sem happy go lucky insanely talented and quite jobless dude.
now i'm in 6th sem (not really happy go lucky, somewhat talented, and NOT jobless at all) and he's leaving. left.
The wheel has turned.
we're gonna spend the weekend together, just like old times. one last time etc. Before he left, we did all sorts of new things:
we went to the Great Bombay Circus at Karavali junction, Udupi. yes, im not kidding. the last time i went to the circus, i was 6 i think. going as an adult is a whole different experience. still magical but somewhat tarnished. the animals looked healthy, so that made me happy. the performers were HOT. they apparently attended the Tashkent Circus College. did you know there was such a thing? a Circus college?
we also went to Scoobydo and played Justice League (PS2) for SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT. Two days before his surgery clinical exam (yes, he's insanely talented). i'm not really a video game fan, haven't given it much of a shot actually, but that day was a LOT of fun. i discovered a hidden talent to shoot down bad guys. and now my fav JL character is ZATANA. Our thumbs were sore for a long time after.
Its good to see him again, just like always. Still seems like the old days when we were both struggling with Medicine and OBG. Now its just me struggling...
And tonight! is SAT night! aka PARTY time! (i'm hoping the clubs are open again after that ram sene fiasco) Time to drink the mind away. With N around, its gonna be even better. Bittersweet, actually. Our last time together in manipal, the end of a good run.
Cheers to us :)
Friday, February 20, 2009
Blogger Badges!
Crowscious, fellow med-student-blogger has deemed me worthy of these Blogger Badges :D
Yay! Thank you for making my day! i'd like to think i'm widely and popularly read, even though i know thats not true :P
please check out her blog if you haven't already. Its funny and she has interesting things to say.
Yay! Thank you for making my day! i'd like to think i'm widely and popularly read, even though i know thats not true :P
please check out her blog if you haven't already. Its funny and she has interesting things to say.
EdBoard Meeting went well :) I'm happy and satisfied. all 25 of them turned up, and we broke the ice relatively quickly. they seem to be a talented, interested and interesting bunch. lots of new cool ideas were thrown about (yay!). We might have an XKCD style cartoon strip this year (cos its SO easy to conceptualise and draw), centred around life in KMC. you know: lectures, clinics, exams, events, that sort of thing expressed in a very humourous manner. i LOVE medical jokes. i think most docs do hehe.
I've given up on studying.
All i do is pay attention during clinics. which is Plastic Surgery right now. I've had some interesting (weird) experiences with this Department, but thats material for another post.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Risingson :D
Just back from dance practice at the Greens..
Tired, but high on endorphins! So much better than those blue capsules...
The human body is SO awesome, I still haven't gotten over it.
Anyway, the point is: Just back from dance prac!
We still hadn't decided the music for our opening sequence with torches... and today i made them all listen to Risingson by Massive Attack. (Ever since I heard the song, I've wanted to dance to it on stage) And they LOVED IT!!
So YIPPEE, one of my tiny dreams is already coming true... (dance with me, everyone!) (and go listen to the song, if you haven't already heard it!)
And also
FIRST EdBoard meeting tmrw. I'm excited to meet everyone and get to know em... We plan to get a LOT of work finished by the end of the meet, in terms of decision making that will affect us the entire year.
I'm also really nervous. Will I freeze up and forget what i was saying in the middle of a sentence? that would NOT be good (and, haha, its already happened to me recently). And also, I dont wanna come across like this bossy, dominating person (i admit, i AM like that frequently) but its definitely not first meeting material. I'm just hoping to get the whole lot really excited about our work this year... Make them make the mag theirs.
Cant wait for Handover on the 25th. Went ear ring shopping with my baby, and she made me buy these gorgeous crimson JEWELS... Dark, Blood Red. Am i talking like a vampire again?
I'm losing my mind.
I'm close to concluding that I'm bipolar, considering that this morning i was crying my eyes out alone. Or maybe its just the Dance-Endorphins...
oh well. high highs and low lows.
see you the next time i'm low/high.
Tired, but high on endorphins! So much better than those blue capsules...
The human body is SO awesome, I still haven't gotten over it.
Anyway, the point is: Just back from dance prac!
We still hadn't decided the music for our opening sequence with torches... and today i made them all listen to Risingson by Massive Attack. (Ever since I heard the song, I've wanted to dance to it on stage) And they LOVED IT!!
So YIPPEE, one of my tiny dreams is already coming true... (dance with me, everyone!) (and go listen to the song, if you haven't already heard it!)
And also
FIRST EdBoard meeting tmrw. I'm excited to meet everyone and get to know em... We plan to get a LOT of work finished by the end of the meet, in terms of decision making that will affect us the entire year.
I'm also really nervous. Will I freeze up and forget what i was saying in the middle of a sentence? that would NOT be good (and, haha, its already happened to me recently). And also, I dont wanna come across like this bossy, dominating person (i admit, i AM like that frequently) but its definitely not first meeting material. I'm just hoping to get the whole lot really excited about our work this year... Make them make the mag theirs.
Cant wait for Handover on the 25th. Went ear ring shopping with my baby, and she made me buy these gorgeous crimson JEWELS... Dark, Blood Red. Am i talking like a vampire again?
I'm losing my mind.
I'm close to concluding that I'm bipolar, considering that this morning i was crying my eyes out alone. Or maybe its just the Dance-Endorphins...
oh well. high highs and low lows.
see you the next time i'm low/high.
@ Y and SM
My apologies to both of you. I dint mean to hurt anyone. It was just a rant, there's no need to read too much into it... Honestly, I had no idea you were still reading this blog. Even after i moved it from Fivepointfiveyears to Koilonychia. Which begs the question: Why are you still reading? On second thought, please dont answer that. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
@Crowscious
You live close, right? Yes, yes, the idea of meeting and getting wasted together appeals to me. A lot. Are you on gtalk?
Friday, February 06, 2009
"Breathe (2 AM)"
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
Anna Nalick
the most beautiful song ever.
its so nice to have someone prompt you to breathe.. feels like a relief that someone's there looking out for you.
in other news
everyone i know is leaving my world
it seems to be a year of goodbyes. sigh.
basically im all alone in manipal. again. its like starting from scratch.
nicky's going away for good tonight. im never gonna find anyone like him ever again. but then ive lost other ppl who i wont find again. which is tragic. i dont know what point im trying to make.
HOD anat is now engaged to be married. she's leaving this may, so that leaves me with zero faculty support. she was my (almost) mentor. her story made me believe in love again. i had this warm fuzzy romantic feeling all day yesterday.. now i feel like there's hope for me and that i will end up happy and in love. of course what kinda ruins the whole story is that she's engaged to her first-year-of-college-boyfriend.. so its like they held out for each other.. for 20 years.. until they could be together again..
SV is my baby, she deserves the best, and she's keeping me very very busy. i dont know how tired i am until i get into bed at the end of the day. there's also dance practice for verve, which is tiring because its an AWESOMEly sexy acrobatic type performance.
also looking forward to end of feb: HANDOVER>> i get to make a speech and be fussed over by everyone as i officially take over the responsibility of SV.
might also be able to make it to wedding in bang, maybe early march? i need the break!
things are good as long as i dont have to think
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
Anna Nalick
the most beautiful song ever.
its so nice to have someone prompt you to breathe.. feels like a relief that someone's there looking out for you.
in other news
everyone i know is leaving my world
it seems to be a year of goodbyes. sigh.
basically im all alone in manipal. again. its like starting from scratch.
nicky's going away for good tonight. im never gonna find anyone like him ever again. but then ive lost other ppl who i wont find again. which is tragic. i dont know what point im trying to make.
HOD anat is now engaged to be married. she's leaving this may, so that leaves me with zero faculty support. she was my (almost) mentor. her story made me believe in love again. i had this warm fuzzy romantic feeling all day yesterday.. now i feel like there's hope for me and that i will end up happy and in love. of course what kinda ruins the whole story is that she's engaged to her first-year-of-college-boyfriend.. so its like they held out for each other.. for 20 years.. until they could be together again..
SV is my baby, she deserves the best, and she's keeping me very very busy. i dont know how tired i am until i get into bed at the end of the day. there's also dance practice for verve, which is tiring because its an AWESOMEly sexy acrobatic type performance.
also looking forward to end of feb: HANDOVER>> i get to make a speech and be fussed over by everyone as i officially take over the responsibility of SV.
might also be able to make it to wedding in bang, maybe early march? i need the break!
things are good as long as i dont have to think
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
almost Ed in Chief
busy busy busy
im so damn busy, havent had a moment to relax and breathe properly
in fact i havent eaten properly since i got back cos there's no time... on the good side though, its making me forget the demons in my mind and i'm hoping that if i ignore them for long enough they'll DIE.
i'm gonna burn out. i'm afraid SV09 wont be as cool as its predecessor, which was SUPER AWESOME by the way.. the bar has been raised, and now its up to me to maintain it, even if i cannot raise it further.
i'm also gonna FAIL my courses. or barely pass. bye bye distinction land.
im so damn busy, havent had a moment to relax and breathe properly
in fact i havent eaten properly since i got back cos there's no time... on the good side though, its making me forget the demons in my mind and i'm hoping that if i ignore them for long enough they'll DIE.
i'm gonna burn out. i'm afraid SV09 wont be as cool as its predecessor, which was SUPER AWESOME by the way.. the bar has been raised, and now its up to me to maintain it, even if i cannot raise it further.
i'm also gonna FAIL my courses. or barely pass. bye bye distinction land.
Friday, January 16, 2009
If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation,
Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit
Would not distemper the great lucid skies
This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(For love itself may need a time of sleep),
And, treelike, stand unmoving before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strong root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure - if I can let you go.
May Sarton
from The Autumn Sonnets
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I cant listen to my favourite music because it makes me cry.
So many memories and i thought we could make some more together.
What am I going to think about when i'm on my own, during that long flight and the long taxi ride home? How am I going to keep from thinking about you? About us?
Almost 2 years and I'm not over you. I guess I'll never get over my best friend. My first love.
So many memories and i thought we could make some more together.
What am I going to think about when i'm on my own, during that long flight and the long taxi ride home? How am I going to keep from thinking about you? About us?
Almost 2 years and I'm not over you. I guess I'll never get over my best friend. My first love.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Four days left before i leave for Manipal.
So many things to do, so many feelings to sort out...
I'm gonna reach quite early this time, none of my friends will be back. But i have mag work that needs to be done quickly, so i dont have much of a choice.
I cut my hair. Makes me happy on some level. I feel like internal pain has external expression now.
So many things to do, so many feelings to sort out...
I'm gonna reach quite early this time, none of my friends will be back. But i have mag work that needs to be done quickly, so i dont have much of a choice.
I cut my hair. Makes me happy on some level. I feel like internal pain has external expression now.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Ground Beneath Her Feet
Its not up to you no more,
you cant choose if its peace or war
just cant make choices anymore
your nightmare has come true;
and when the day becomes the night
and when you dont know wrong from right
or blind from sight or who to fight
dont tell me you feel blue
there's nothing baby, nothing you can do
cause its not up to you, its not up to you....
But it was never up to me, and i didn't understand that till it was too late. You sleep well tonight, ok? have pleasant dreams, and wake up smiling. You deserve it.
I'll stand by you, in the shadows. I'll be around should you call, but I dont think you will, not now, its too late for that teenage vow.
but I'll miss you. so much. you're a part of me, my heart aches for its lost piece, my body feels amputated, my emotions..... i cant talk about my emotions yet.
random and not so random yoga instructers on tv show me ways to make my body feel better, exercises to heal the soul and the body, but you were the only breath i ever needed, the only elixir, the only balm.
thats love, isnt it? i cant stop believing we're soulmates. but its not up to me, is it? it never was.
you cant choose if its peace or war
just cant make choices anymore
your nightmare has come true;
and when the day becomes the night
and when you dont know wrong from right
or blind from sight or who to fight
dont tell me you feel blue
there's nothing baby, nothing you can do
cause its not up to you, its not up to you....
But it was never up to me, and i didn't understand that till it was too late. You sleep well tonight, ok? have pleasant dreams, and wake up smiling. You deserve it.
I'll stand by you, in the shadows. I'll be around should you call, but I dont think you will, not now, its too late for that teenage vow.
but I'll miss you. so much. you're a part of me, my heart aches for its lost piece, my body feels amputated, my emotions..... i cant talk about my emotions yet.
random and not so random yoga instructers on tv show me ways to make my body feel better, exercises to heal the soul and the body, but you were the only breath i ever needed, the only elixir, the only balm.
thats love, isnt it? i cant stop believing we're soulmates. but its not up to me, is it? it never was.
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