Bombay, my beloved.
I hurt with you, and I will triumph with you when you pick yourself up and make sure life goes on.

Samhain

Happy Halloween!

Lets do witchy things:
Light some candles, cast a circle, read the cards, speak with spirits from the other side and then end with alcohol.

Wish i could wear my red devil horns around.. !

next prac on monday. its only friday, so i'm not worrying yet...

South Indian Diwali

cleaned room for Diwali :P

considered making rangoli type thing outside in the corridor, but its too dark and i dont have friendly neighbours, which is exactly what is required for a nice communal rangoli experience.

burning stuff is now against hostel rules, as we might end up burning the place down. so no candles and diyas :( they were the best part of diwali for me. this witch looks for any excuse to light candles, hehe. oh well, there's always incense.

firework show at the greens tonight. yay.
finally an excuse to wear my old henna-green lehnga skirt.

Penance

About last night:

'After all the fears, the warnings
After all
A woman's mistakes are different from a girl's
They are written by fire on stone
They are a trait and not an error....'

-White Oleander by Janet Fitch

We went to dt, then to edge. Danced the night away in a tipsy haze. I discovered that Breezer has a delectable Passionfruit flavour. gulp, gulp, gulp.

But i was basically up all night. Now i have a weird heavy headed headache, and complex sentences make no sense to me. I think I need to get some breakfast.

I'm not sleepy. I need sunshine. Gonna go outside for a bit.

Free

Smells like... Freedom
Freedom DOES have a smell, and i don't think its exactly like the top of a new born baby's head. (Yes, i AM Miracle Drug after all, even though quite a tan-tan version hehe) More like smokey-mint. Or minty-smoke. Either way.

Went out tonight with dear, dear friends and let out all my boy-angst over dinner. Felt good. Why do we always forget that friends are more important than some guy you might like.

So apart from the delicious food, there was also a nice mint hookah going for us. Yay! I was rising above it all, just like the smoke coming out of everyone's nostrils. Oh, btw, Risingson by Massive Attack is an AWESOME song to get high to.

Ok time to go study, so I dont end up failing next exam. Or feeling guilty about Saturday night plans.

Post Forensic :)

Habitual sodomy. Poisonous foods. Illusions, hallucinations and obsessions. CANNABIS! Snake bites. Rape. Autopsies.

Almost my last ever exam of Forensic Medicine. Man, I'm going to miss this subject.. I'm in love with the department, and the department reciprocates and that keeps me happy. I think its one of the more interesting subjects we studied this year, and one that gave me very little anguish and stress.

I was never yelled at for being late, for submitting record work late, for wearing jeans to the lab, for giving proxy attendance during lectures, or for missing to many classes and running low on attendance.
All this because I did a little volunteer work for the dept, helped out with a couple of events, and did one or two class presentations on random topics. I got to know most of the professors on a personal level, some more than others. The PGs who saw me converse casually and laugh around with the professors never dared to pick on me. Some of them tried to be friends with me, which was fine, and some others complimented me on class presentations.

But not a single late mark, even though almost NEVER submitted work on time! You just gotta know which person to approach, what to say to them and how to say it. Piece of cake.

Exam was good. Even though I dint feel i would manage to pass even just before the exams. But one look at the questions and i knew i'd gotten really lucky. Will pass for sure, maybe distinction if my luck continues.

I'm counting my chickens.

Now preparing for Pharmacology on Saturday. After which, its PAH-TAY TIME! One night of sinful pleasure, after which back to studying for the practicals. Ah, but thats one essential night, seems like I've been looking forward to it for WEEKS.

But I'm content today, sitting and counting my chickens.

Blackmail

She wrote out the email, re read it and then hesitated before clicking 'send'.

Aware that she was fighting someone else's battle, fighting a losing battle. a battle that had been lost by scores of women who came before her. they did her best, and she knew she couldnt live with herself if she didn't give it her best shot.

what did she want out of this? not money. money has never helped a broken, violated soul to mend. perhaps an apology would help. an official apology with an official signature. handwritten. a document of repentance and self loathing. perhaps a little money along with that wouldn't hurt.

but this is dangerous. if she was ever found out, she could get into a lot of trouble.

but it was totally worth it. in a way, she needed this. it was cathartic for her. she was getting her own vengence through this.

it was blackmail. but completely justified blackmail.

her hesitation gone, she hit 'send' and sat back, waiting for a reply.




PS:
daddy came to see me today! he drove all the way here from bangalore, and we spent 3 hours together. had lunch and hung out. then he drove back.
(sigh) i feel so loved. no one in the world would drive 18 hours just to see me for 3 hours. im a special girl.

omg cant believe it!
cant get over it!

and the thought of the unbelievably daunting task, and all the work i've willingly signed up for!

:)

Micro sessional

its such a psychological thing.

i slept a good 7 hours last night, and i even took a power nap for an hour before my exam. (not really a power nap, i was just looking for an excuse to stop studying. man, the text is SO boring. especially if you've studied it before. my brain just DID NOT want to read it all again!)

anyway. i got more than enough sleep, and all i did today was sit in an exam hall for 3 hours, writing. and yet, im so fucking tired. i can feel a headache coming on, my eyes are burning, and my back hurts. i just wanna sleep some more.

i really hope im not coming down with something.

anyway, so the paper was decently easy. i knew most of it, but some insane degree of laziness overcame me in the hall, and i JUST didn't feel like putting my answers on paper. i found myself looking for shortcuts.

i made up flowcharts. reduced sentences to phrases. drew random diagrams.

i had to force myself to finish answering the paper. literally force. i found myself thinking about random profound things.. and i'd have to lead my brain back gently, tell my face to stop smiling and tell my hand to start writing. so weird! its never happened to me before.

maybe coz ive never been this bored with my subjects. one and a half years of the same stuff! over and over... my neurons are atrophying, and i cant blame them.

ive never had much patience. and i've never been able to tolerate delayed gratification.

well im off to get some instant gratification for myself now hehe..

'there are no good girls gone wrong. Just bad girls found out'
-mae west

mascot stuff

There's a big bulletin board in the library for the Edboard to use. the Ed'board', if you will. and every year we use it to advertise signum vitalis. We put up posters, ask for articles, report current events. and we have a mascot that helps us do this. and this year, its me who gets to finalise the content and mascot up there :) me and my team, ofcourse.

its usually not much of a problem for the editor to get exactly what he/she wants up on the board. and thats not because of authority. its more like no one else bothered to think of something.

but mascots we've had so far are kinda... boring. no pizazz, hardly any personality.
there was 'oscult' (a stethescope) and 'edword' (nerdy boy) last to last year. and 'kaage the crow' last year. both were bland and lifeless attempts at grabbing attention

i want whoever or whatever is my mascot to be FUNNY. so that people will bother to read the board once in a while. it shall have personality and style. it will also be simple to draw so that we can change the board frequently (if anyone can draw it, then we wont have to depend on ONE person's free time). but most importantly, it will have a sense of humour.

Idea 1:
an injection. just a line drawing, with a face (see, anyone can draw this).
his name: the prick/willy prick/Mr. P. Rick
lots of punning shall be involved on his part. he'll crack a few off colour jokes, but atleast people will be interested in whats on the board. even if they're getting their information from the prick!

Idea 2:
the oldest trick in the book. a smoking hot chick. she's a stylised version, but 'one of us'(one of the edboard??). a medical student studying in kmc. she is smart, funny, witty and she does not pander to public opinion. she'll be sitting there, at the board, full of attitude, and she'll say things that will make people think.
it'll be harder to draw her repeatedly, ofcourse. but that can be made easier by having one or two figures of her that we can alternate between. or even a paper doll concept might work. the text bubble will be changed frequently. perhaps twice a week.
she'll quote a lot of intelligent people. she'll also make jokes on textbook material (ah.. isnt that pushing it a little bit?) she'll ask questions about current events specific to manipal. we can dress her up for events..
basically she's hot so everyone will look at her (and hopefully talk about her). as long as people talk. but this is going to be difficult to pull off..

anyway
i shall, in due time, bring up the issue with the rest of the board (wow its amazing, isnt it) and then we'll see. i dont much care who or what the mascot is, as long as its funny. did i already say that? :)

check this out

screw oscult and kaage! hehe.. i've actually received sms's telling me to kill the damn crow.. (how about him commiting suicide by hanging himself from his tree?)

ah... we'll see

but i have an exam to give! i CANNOT be thinking about this right now!
viruses, worms and protozoons.
gotta go

Can't stop thinking about it. Not that I'm gloating or being narcissistic. I'm just so excited!
but the timing couldn't suck more. i have a microbiology sessional exam in 2 days, and all i can think of is everything i can do with the next mag!

everyday, i run into to two-ti (who's general secretary now) and he can't stop talking to me about it either.. every night before he sleeps he sends me a text saying he's SO HAPPY. haha.. its nice to see him so excited about something for a change. usually he won't stop complaining about how much life sucks here in manipal..

i have all these ideas.. that i've never felt up to sharing before..
i cant wait to choose my team and start working on it.

but first there's a whole 2 months of exams to get through. it's going to be tough.

Signum Vitalis 09

never thought it would happen :)
.......but it DID!


Editor-in-Chief

yes, thats me. celebrate, everyone!

The truth

new. music makes you think in new ways.. it can lift you up till you're flying above all the people on the ground, flying above the sky. flying in the endless light of the sun.

my sacred time of the day is when i listen to my music. music that makes me feel like im above the rest of the things on earth. music makes me trip. i trance in and out of dreams. vivid images and feelings, a new reality, a new universe.

the truth is, i'm lonely. still lonely. im starting to doubt myself, everything i've done over the last few years, even the time before goa. especially the time before goa. who did i grow up into? its a scary thought, and i dont like to debate with myself because im scared i'll find that i prefer one side more than the other.

what am i doing. will i pass this year? wish you were here...

but you're gone, forever. gone forever. and i cant forget how we used to be, and what we could have been. no, im not in love with you. im in love with perfection and i guess i thought you had it in you to be perfect for me. and maybe you were. maybe you are. maybe you'll always be. but thats over now. gone. doesn't exist.

things are different. i cant be what i wanted to be around you. even though i wish i could do that. i wish i could talk to you honestly and tell you exactly what you mean to me. tell you what i think im my head when im alone, when im listening to my music, lost in fantasy? its all the wrong kind of things, impossible things, immoral things.

now i cant believe you're gone and all i can do is watch you as you grow more and more distant as days pass. someday, it'll seem like all of this never existed, that it was all just a wonderful midsummer night's dream. a powerful dream that left me addicted to it.

i drank from your cup of dreams, drank in the look in your eyes, when you looked at me like all that matters was this one moment. me standing there looking into your eyes. im afraid to say your name now. afraid of what confessions my voice will make when i say it.

what would be the point anyway? it would serve no purpose to tell you. it would just make us both feel bad, for we both know the truth for what it is. and i miss you, but you'll never know. and you can bring me to my knees, tonight.

And you can bring me to my knees...Again

All the times when I could beg you please....In vain

All the times when I felt insecure....For you

And I leave my burdens at the door

i've lost you, and i'll have to deal with it alone. standing on the roof, screaming at the stars. thats what i'll do. burning photographs and memories. you meant more to me than i should have let you. its my price to pay.

come back to me. in another world, a different universe. i'd like to believe that you're mine, forever.

Salsa class:

so much fun

the second class i've taken here in manipal, organised by strictly ballroom.

dancing makes me happy. lalalala. its like ice cream for my soul.

bunny, if you're here, say hi :)

Dandy, or the Price of Love

THE PRICE OF LOVE

Dandy came into our house at my insistence. I threw tantrums: locked myself into the bathroom, denied myself food and water, and threw crying fits. What could my parents do?

So one day, in order to put an end to all the unpleasant screaming and crying, my father took us all out and we came home with Dandy. There was nothing much he could have done anyway… He was getting sick of me stealing his newspaper early in the morning and taking his favorite pages out before innocently putting it back where I found it. Little did he know that Dandy would do the same thing for 6 months, albeit less innocently.

Dandy was a tiny black and white ball of fur, with the chocolatey brown eyes that make you feel like everything’s right in the world when you look into them. He had long ears that flopped around, and a wet, friendly pink tongue. When he bent his head into his bowl of milk, his ears found their way into it before his mouth did, a fact that puzzled him greatly.

Dandy won my father’s heart quickly. He would wait by the door when it was time for papa to come home, and in the mornings he’d beg to be allowed to accompany him on his daily morning jog. Dandy’s dogged doggy-devotion was soon reciprocated by papa, who began bringing home biscuits in his pockets for Dandy to find.

He was a smart dog, he knew exactly how to get what he wanted out of anyone in the family. He’d perfected the art of begging, he’d watch you with rapt attention if you were eating something, and whine pitifully until you felt sorry for him and dropped your sandwich on the floor for him.

Dandy was a traveling dog. A tourist in his own right. Wherever we went, he had to smell everything, examine every hole in the ground, and look out of every window in the building before he gave us his approval of the place. We went everywhere together, and if we ever got lost while walking in an unfamiliar city, Dandy would always be able to lead us back to the car, if not back to the hotel room.

Dandy made himself comfortable within our family. My mom spoiled him more than she ever spoiled me. When I left for college, she showered even more attention on him. She was the only one who was allowed to lift him up. If anyone else tried, he’d get agitated and jump off, but when my mom did it, he turned into this docile little angelic puppy.

The death of a pet is tough to deal with. When Dandy died, I couldn’t believe that he was gone. After a few days of disbelief, sadness overcame me. When I look at his photographs, I can still imagine him alive, breathing. Dandy gave us the sort of pure unconditional love that only animals are capable of. His absence left our family incomplete, empty.

Now, there’s no friendly tail wagging bundle of energy waiting for us when we get home. No whining under the table during dinner. There’s no fluffy warm thing to cuddle in bed when its cold. No disconcerting mornings in which a wet tongue on your face serves as an alarm function. No one to talk to in the dark about my secret fears and fantasies. No one staying up with me till the wee hours while I watch mindless TV or study for an upcoming test.

It’s a strange sort of emptiness, this sudden lack of affection. But the sadness of losing a loved pet is nothing compared to the sheer bulk of affection they shower on you while they’re alive.
I have heard people say that losing a pet is a painful experience, and that there’s no point even keeping one because you know from the moment you get one that its life span is finite. You know that sooner or later you’re going to have to deal with death.

But that is the price of love.

one of those nights

My hands are smeared with blue pilot pen ink. my fingers smell of smoke. i wrote on the back of that photograph, and the words smudged on to my hands, tattooing them with hate and distress. i burnt the photograph. i watch the memories burn. i wish reality would burn up the same way.

i hate them all. i hate myself too. i feel stupid. i should have known better. i should have known better. there is so much i could have done. if i could turn back time, i could change everything.

am i the only one living with this burden? is he feeling something too? anything? i wonder about that sometimes. does he feel heavy with thoughts of disbelief and disgust at what he did, is he ashamed? if he could tell me that he was living under the enormous shadow of self doubt, constantly reminded of his sins, would he?

back in my room, i'm feeling strangely empty, yet calm. my fingers are still trembling though. my hate, for the moment, seems to have found an outlet. my head isnt spinning anymore. im breathing slower. i dont feel like punching the wall.

i guess im going to curl up into foetal position under my blanket and shut the world out by shutting my eyes. its going to be one of those nights.

hate mail I

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you, i hope you burn in hell. i hope you die. i want you to die. painfully. swallow something poisonous. get drunk and get hit by a truck. i hope you DIE. i want to break your glasses. step on them till the lenses are splinters. i want you to be blind. i want to kick you in the balls. again and again. till you cant walk. till you cry and beg for forgiveness, but i wont stop. i want to break a bottle on your head and then stick the jagged glass edges into your skin. twisting them deeper and deeper. i wish i could cut your carotids so you bleed and bleed. how dare you mess with me this way. how dare u assume you can do something like this and get away with it? YOU COCKY BASTARD. you filthy good or nothing stupid RAT. didnt you learn anything at home?what did you parents teach you. i hope someone does something to the woman you love like you did to me. i want to scatter bits and pieces of your flesh on the road so that the dogs and rats can eat it. you are SHIT. you are slimy. you dont deserve to live. you are stinking decomposing manure that i walk on. you are beneath my feet. i want to step on you. kick you again and again and walk on your balls. how dare u assume you can do this. how could you. i want to light one of your cigarettes and burn holes into your skin. i hate you. i hate you so much. i want you to admit to yourself who you really are. i hope you get drunk and accidentally walk off a tall building. if im around, you can be sure that i will help out with a little push. i will be happy to. you fucker. you bastard. i look at your face with pure hatred in my eyes. pure hatred. pure disgust. i want to slap you. in public. with everyone watching. they will laugh at you. i want to humiliate you. watch you wet your pants in public. you bastard.

alone

if its one thing ive learnt from my life.. from being an only child.. is how to be alone, without being lonely.
but now, because of everything thats happened to me, i hate being alone with myself. i keep judging myself in my head..i know i'm not a good girl.

there's no poetry in drinking a cup of coffee all alone, under the drizzling sky, staring out at the greens. or in pretending to listen to an ipod while sitting on an abandoned staircase, while people walk by, staring at you because you're out of place. its no fun to get dressed on a sunday afternoon and head to the library with books, even though you dont have an exam for months, and you know you're just going to end up day dreaming.

what happened to my friends? i dont want my life to revolve around one person..

i used to have friends. but they're the kind i wouldnt want back. and somehow, i think its going to be really tough to find new ones to fill their space.

loneliness is a state of being. i should just embrace it.
i dont think im ever going to be able to open up to anyone completely. im my head, i feel myself detaching from all those people that i felt i couldnt live without. my parents. my lovers. if they were to suddenly go away, i dont think it would change how im feeling right now.

because now, no matter what, no matter who's around, or who im talking to. i'm lonely. alone.

verstehen?

Once again we sit in silence
After all is said and done
Only emptiness inside us
Baby, look what we've become

We can make a million promises
But we still won't change
It isn't right to stay together
When you only bring each other pain

I don't wanna cry
Don't wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I've give you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
'Cause baby, I don't wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance
But something keeps us hanging on and on
Pretending not to know the difference
Denying what we had is gone

Every moment we're together
It's just breaking me down
I know we swore it was forever
But it hurts too much to stay around

All the magic's gone
There's just a shadow of a memory
Something just went wrong
We can't go on make-believing...

i would've bought that for you..

So I texted him, 'no special weekend plans?'

'weekend plans..i'm not free today :( gotta go to d press n then straight 2 dinner, saiba..then off to edge.. c's birthday..'

'hmmm. edge is my saturday night hangout place'

'you coming...?'

'depends on what my edging partner's doing tonight... why? do you want me to come?'

'hehe.. that would be interesting! .. very edgy.'

'really? and why is that?'

'The expressions on my friends faces would be priceless lol.. '

'why? what have you told them about me?'

'i just told them your name..to keep some mystery hehe.. which is always good :) cool. cya there.. these friends of mine havent seen you though..'

So i went there with my edging partner hehe. she didn't require much convincing, she loves going dancing as much as i do.

i walked into edge, dark and not very crowded as it was still early. spotted him in ten seconds. the music was good, but not very good and it took me a minute or so to get into the mood.

but it never takes me long anyway...

he texted: 'i'm in'

'me too'

'cant find u! looking!'

'i found you already :)'

it took him ten mins to locate me. he walked towards me from the bar, he was holding a beer. there was transient hand touching as the bottle changed hands. i glugged. glug glug glug. man, alcohol feels so good.

we danced for two minutes, and in that time i finished half his beer. then he said he had to go back to his group and left. but he kept coming back at regular intervals.

(he told me later: my group didn't help much.. they were literally pushing me away to dance with you lol.)

at some point he asked me if i wanted to be introduced to his group. and i was like yeah sure, if u want to. so i was introduced to all of them. 'S, from 4th sem, she was on my board'

(also something he told me later: his friends thought i looked smart, to which m said that i got second highest in forensic medicine, haha. and they all thought i was hot (?), and they asked for an introduction)

at some point, r called me out so i could get him inside. he paid cover charge and we went back inside. now the thing with r is that he doesnt do alcohol. so i stole his coupon and got more alcohol  for me(2 vodkas, one for my edging partner).

m saw the glass in my hand and asked me where i got it.
i said, 'r bought it for me..'

'i would've bought it for you'

i melted a little bit right then.  that one sentence told me everything for certain.

i told him i bought it off r's cover charge. and went back to dancing. leaving everything else unsaid between us.

oh no

i'm high

and i think i'm in love

and im lost, i dont know what to do...

For M:

It creeps up on us slowly.
This realisation that it's impossible
To know someone through the words they write.
But even more so,
To know someone through the words they speak.
And so I prefer to write,
As honestly as I possibly can:

Picking and choosing words that fit best
Agonising over choice.
But all that's left in the end
Is your disbelief at everything I've said
When will you realise
That if I was making it up,
I wouldn't care about my words half as much,


And your disbelief would mean nothing at all.

End Point - Reflections

Its too early, but we're running out of time
The darkness surrounds us, and its also between us
All night I've been trying to make sense of that line
But I can't understand what it is that divides us
And my mind
Is still undefined
But we keep walking, and I pretend its alright.


Still too early to tell if those shadows truly exist
But I can read into you like the pages of a difficult book
The road's twisting and turning faster than i can predict
And in the end, there's nothing left for me to do but look
Inside my mind
And though it's still undefined
We're walking ahead, and I know we'll be alright

change

so the student council's changing soon.

new editor, new editorial board. do i still want to be part of that?

we had a sort-of meeting today. just a bunch of old members, to figure out innovative ways to hold selections for the new board.

somehow they just forgot to call me. ofcourse, they realised soon enough, and i received apologetic phone calls summoning me to the food court asap.

wow. and i worked with them for a whole year. did i really leave NO personal imprint?

maybe its a sign. time to move on to other things.

like alcohol. and nicotine. might as well throw in some meaningless sex.
what could possibly be better?

i think im addicted to pain.

respite

i wake up, shower, get dressed. new clothes that i havent worn since i left home. home. where was that again? back in delhi? mumbai? lonavala? well, its manipal now. for the next couple of years.

it seems like home more than ever now, because i have people to hate here. people to avoid in the corridoors. people that make me cringe when they get too close. class is an adventure, a search for the perfect seat where none of them are in my direct line of sight.

today seems like a better day too. fresher. promises of a long lost friend speak to me of comfort.

interact is deserted when i walk in. ten minutes early. i lounge around on the staricase, waiting. i see him 2 minutes before class begins. 7:58 by my (interact synchronised) cell phone clock. he's walking up the stairs, talking to someone i think i've met before.

just seeing him again makes me feel lighter. like someone's sharing the burden. or atleast distracting me from its heavy weight. he spots me finally and breaks into a smile.

im sure he's going to say 'you look good, dj', thats always the first thing he says to me when we meet after a long while. but there's no time. class starts NOW and we both have to run.

but i reach out, and he understands. he leans in for a hug. a long one, about ten seconds, oblivious to the chattering crowds rushing past. i feel the warmth of friendship, compassion and understanding seep into my skin. and in that moment i am happy again.

transformed for a second. strong in the knowledge that he'll be there when i'll need someone to fall back on...

frugal

i wake up, get dressed. my clothes glaringly noticeable in their simplicity.
make it to class just in time. take my seat. left side of lecture hall, second row from the back. between a guy who couldn't care less; and a girl who used to care enough, before she met someone who took that part of her away from me.

i sit through class. mostly making notes, but also doodling and writing on the back pages of my notebook. those scribbles mark my days, my ways.

after class, i rush through the crowd, ahead of everyone who might catch up with me and ask questions. they stream into the mess, in twos and threes, but by then I'm already eating at a table in a far corner. as far away as possible. I'm done by the time they're half through.

i stay attentive in class though. its my escape from the world. for even though they're all around me, they cannot talk to me.

once the day is over, i enter the sanctuary of my room. its a depressing mess on most days. things that remind me of what my life should be are strewn all over the bed. books, journals, eye makeup, swimsuit, random Cd's.

i run from my room as soon as i can. go out into the evening with earphones on. escape into music. sometimes i head out towards the library, where the enforced silence allows me to not make eye contact with anyone. i read, I'm lost in the words. they're making no sense to me because I'm concentrating on the phonetics. what they sound like in my head. entire sentences go by before i realise whats happening.

i feel like I'm breathing under water. like there's no need to come up for air. everything is blurred by that watery medium. there are no blacks, whites, or greys. only shades of blue exist.

food turns into something devoid of taste. something medicinal, whose function remains to sustain, without giving pleasure. i don't care what i eat anymore. but i go to the mess twice a day. thrice if I'm awake.

I'm grateful to the people who make the effort to talk to me. the people i used to be close to, part of my inner circle, but not anymore. i make an attempt to try and seem normal, OK. sometimes i feel like sharing, but then i realise its pointless. I'd have to explain too much of that which i cannot even explain to myself, let alone to anyone else. i let it go.

i let go.

i make sure I'm tired by the time i enter my room again. i cant stand to see the broken bits of my past lying around me, so i turn off the lights as soon as i can.

i sleep a dreamless sleep. until i wake up in the morning and do the same thing over again.

what is hope? where will i find it?

case presentation rant

you can never know how bad it can get until it gets that bad.

and it always hits you hard. in the wrong places if you're really unlucky.

i presented a case today and it was awful, oh so awful. by far the worst of the 3-odd i've done. here's how it went:

Students crowded around three sides of a cramped bed, staring down at poor-young-little-patient who has had the bad luck of suffering, since birth, from a fairly interesting disease. which basically condemned him to a life of torture at the hospital.

the kind that involves brazen staring, strangers moving their hands on you like they own you and not to mention trying to cut off the blood supply to your arm completely and permanently by using, over and over, an instrument called the sphygmomanometer.

trust me, the patients prefer the needles and knives kind of torture.

i maintain, however, that the students themselves are victimised (read: terrorised) into this sort of behavior, so its not really their fault.

so anyway:
students crowding around. doc (D) walks in and silence ensues. nothing can be heard apart from the steady drip drip from the patient's iv. D stands at the head of the bed, frowning at us. he has scary, bushy eyebrows.

D: Who's presenting?
MD: (waving hand from somewhere at the back of the crowd)
D: (looking extremely displeased) you know you're supposed to be by the patient's bedside if you're presenting!

so i pushed and shoved my way through. ended up standing right under his nose. i'm not exaggerating:

i could count his eyebrow hair now (and nose hair, but thats irrelevant). while in the middle of contemplating how to tactfully suggest an eyebrow plucking session every once in a while to this kind gentleman (i would have even given him the number of my favourite place, see i'm SUCH a nice person), i heard him thunder from above me:

D: begin!
MD: (jumps) oh, uhhm. The patient is a 19 year old male student from Kerela...
D: (interrupting) who told you all this?
MD: urm, the patient did, sir

(like, duh! i wasnt dreaming up fairy stories, you know)

D: does he look sane to you?
MD: (justifiably taking a moment to analyse whether or not that was a serious question)
D: do you think he's alright?
MD: (thinking: well he's in a hospital. so he IS what they call 'sick') he seems to be fine, right now...
D: you think he's fine? then why's he in the hospital?
MD: um. Thats why I took a history. so we could figure out why he came to hospital.
D: (smiling smugly) continue, continue

WTF?

MD: ok. 19 year old male, student, from kerela...
D: (interrupting again) no. say it properly. you're telling me his history in points, like its his biodata or something. a good history should flow.

("flow" ??)

MD: uh huh. Our patient, on this fine morning, is a young man of 19 years. he hails from the neighbouring state of Kerela, where he spends most of his time studying for a BCom degree.

(I had half a mind to go on and list what his likes, dislikes and hobbies are; i think that was the only thing that could possibly make it worse than it got soon after)

MD: Patient presents with the chief complaints of fever with associated abdominal pain. His fever began a week ago...
D: thats enough. give me 10 differentials for fever with abdominal pain.
MD: um. hepatitis. ureteric colic. basal pneumonia.

(by now, im running out of ideas, and i'm nudging frantically the person standing by me) (but, oh no! person standing next to me is patients' mother, and she's looking extremely indignant)

MD: pancreatitis. appendicitis... peritonitis?

my silent cries for help fell on deaf ears. my batchmates had been completely overwhelmed and their collective presence of mind amounted to a little more than absence.

but it was good in a way. every three words i said, D would take it as a cue to speak upon my inadequacies for ten minutes or so.

we got through the history fairly quickly, because i figured out that skipping entire symptoms made no difference to D's ranting. so i read three words off every third line of my notes, and we were done only half way through our lunch break.

yeah isnt that great? usually we're let off twenty mins before afternoon class.

dirty looks were exchanged before we dispersed though. most were directed at me, but you'll be pleased to know i deflected them expertly in the general direction of D.

who am I?

Burning flesh. Bloodstained sheets. Scandalous promiscuity. Lost innocence. Searching for paradise. Sea-spray. Salty tears. Gothic lolita. Black silk. Fiery Passion. Skeleton Key. Orange Sunshine. Late night internet. Ecchi Anime. Morning walks. Solitary music. Transcendence. Evening haunts. Fireflies falling from the sky. Deserted streets. Tarot cards. Candlelight. Dead flowers. Nicotine and Vodka. Chocolate and hazelnut. Leather boots. Boys and girls. Mermaids. Holding on. Chewing gum. Sharing a bed. Crying for joy. Laughing at irony. Cynicism and sarcasm. The eternal idealist. Mint chocolate chip. The law of three. Paper and a pen. Flights of fantasy. Clinic duty. Leukemia. Midmorning naps. Midnight snacks. Velvet lingerie. Denim fetish. Word play. Confession slut. Salvation seeker. Inner beauty. Visible scars. Masochism. Self destruction. Dark revenge. My own best friend. Betrayal.

The truth is not inside me.

y's list

What has life come to? Torn between two corners of the world. What means more to me? I wish I could have you.

Skeleton Key

I did a sick, sick thing to my love.
My lack of loyalty, it swallowed her up.
And she cooks me food.
She squirmed and turned
like a skeleton key.

She left her man unattended to me.
Don't call me that.
Don't claim you love me cause you know that ain't true.
And you're finally free
to twist and turn like a skeleton key.

You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.

I did a horrible thing to that girl.
I bred my misery and drowned it in her.
And she got me high, And I hardly noticed
there were tears in her eyes.

And I miss you less and less everyday.
This stream of whisky helps to wash you away.
And it's clear to see,
You're nothing special. You're a skeleton key.

You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.

-Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

what a song...