will you fall against the wall that you have built with your own hands
when you trip upon the thorns that you have tied your legs together with
when you walk upon thin ice that you know you should not be walking

why do you wonder why that you fell through ?

little sister...

21 September 2007

On schedule for my second hep B shot (thats something i definitely DO NOT want to pick up from a needle stick injury). Like one of my surgery professors emphasised: "If you do get hep B, make sure its from pleasure and not from a patient". Dark humor.
Hep B, by the way, is chronic hepatits, and spreads like HIV, except that a REALLY minute amount of blood contamination: 0.000001ml is enough. For HIV you need around 0.1 ml which is almost a drop.

Anyway, so I was in my apron at pediatrics OPD that morning, waiting for the overworked nurse to find 3 mins to spare to give me my shot.

I saw this little girl there, she must've been four or five years old. She was in a white skirt, and her ringlet hair was short and pinned back. She looked happy, more than happy, she looked healthy. She wasnt smiling or anything, but her face was very.. content. I think she reminded me of me.

I told my friend (he'd come along to make sure i dont collapse on the way back. AS if!) that i thought the kid was cute. He was shocked....having spent more than ten minutes around me, he was well aware that i do not enjoy children the way most normal people do.

The girl's doctor (I'm presuming) came into the treatment room, I was standing just outside. She took the girl in, telling the mother to wait outside. Then she motioned for me to come over. I hesitated, not knowing whether it was me she really wanted. But it was.

I went in. "Are you final sem?"
"No, ma'am, I'm just third sem"
"Ok. Doesn't matter. Stay and help me"
I nodded, but I don't think she noticed. she went and locked the door.

I was nervous. Locked in the Ped Treatment room with a 5 year old patient and her doctor. Most of that made me uncomfortable. So I asked her:
"What do you need me to do?"
"Wait, I'll show you"
She brought out several vials of drugs, needles, cotton, alcohol, etc on a tray.

She extended the girl's tiny arm, found a vein on the dorsum of the hand and said to me "Hold her wrist. Tight"

So I did. The child was looking at me. She dint even flinch as the needle went in. Doc started pumping drugs into her. Was she used to this? I'd expect most children to cry, yell. How was she so confident with her mother not even in the room?

"Nimma hesaru enu?" I asked, to distract her. What's your name.
"Rashmita"

I wanted to ask her more... about school and friends and stuff, but i dint know enough of the language.
The Doc was done in a few minutes, and while she was cleaning up, i asked if she'd do my Hep shot for me. "yeah, sure. but this wasn't vaccination you know"

Of course i knew. No vaccination is done like that...through an IV tube.

"What was it?" I asked.
"Chemo"

Chemo? Chemo. Cancer. Little girl with cancer. Rashmita. cancer. chemotherapy.

"what kind of cancer?" I managed to ask.
"Leukemia"

And she was such a sweetheart. I helped her off the bed, smiled at her and watched her walk out to her mother. I walked out a second later, shaking but not quite.

I wish i could heal.

no more icecream, chips, juice.

water and food exclusively from the mess.

gotta get in shape, going swimming.

rambles on kaup

went to kaup beach again, last saturday. i really need a camera. how many experiences here just go unrecorded because i dont have a camera.

me, ss and ps took off to the beach because we were, well, vela. which is something we fight against all the time here in manipal.

went up the lighthouse again, ps has a thing for the lighthouse beacon. says it reminds him of goa. it reminds me of the lighthouse at nofra. pleasant memories.

walking to the beach is awesome. i'm suddenly barraged with memories. the smell of the sea, the sea wind whipping my hair, the crows cawing, the coconut trees swaying, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore...

i think its because i grew up near the sea, and then went away for many many years. now that im finally around the sea, i know how to appreciate it.

spent two hours there, as a prelude to goa. swam in the sea, waded out neck deep. ran into several people from class. its a small world.

walked back from the beach to the bus stand. its a long road, took us thirty five minutes. one tiny road winding through this village. it was dark, and there weren't any street lights. quite freaky. we came to two or three forks in the road, and didn't know what to do until we scanned for the road with our cell phones. we were telling scary stories the whole time, it was awesome atmosphere.

took a bus back to udp, and another one to mpl.

funny incident :
ss, while paying the bus conductor, "cough up some cash man"
ps and me - pretend to cough, hacking away artificially
ss, "something a little more productive!"

hahaha. well you have to be a medical student to understand the pun on productive.

oh man. so much to write about.
need to tell about the whole hand raising practice when it comes to joking around.
and my first autopsy
soon, soon.

i hope this high never goes away.

list

well here's a list of stuff i will eventually get down to writing about:
wish i could remember chronology though

1. kudlu falls (leech attack!)
2. kudremukh falls (so tame after kudlu) (kudlu was really wild)

4. drvn
5. nishant the hottie, and kaup and other places (AHEM!)
6. vibes creative writing (came second!)
7. medicine postings
8. surgery postings
9. the loitering and joblessness that this place seems to be good for
10. narga's car
11. forensic workshop
12. long long overdue post about srishti at manipal (can you BELIEVE it?)
13. the meticulously planned goa trip

thirteen seems to be a good place to stop.
just got wifi in indira, so should get round to doing this soon.

i LOVE manipal! i will literally die when i have to leave.

birthday, and bangalore

awesome celebrations..

12th april

went out with RandR(at my request) to DT, drank approx 90ml vodka. was drunk by the time we left. stood around sharada for a while after they dropped me there. called r and asked if she could hang out.. dint really want to spend the transition alone, and couldnt really think of anyone else i'd want to be with.

she showed up a little later and we went to shenoy's where we sat while she studied and i talked about random shit. she bought me a whole pack of mints coz apparently my breath was really bad.
sv came along (dint strike me then!!). randomly chatted some more. thank god ive started having fun with people here...

eventually some 30 mins before midnight, she decided she wanted to take a walk, so we walked into the greens, and she lead me to the stage.. where there were some ten people sitting in the dugout place.

but what my eyes rested on was the candles around the cake. flickering slightly in the breeze. then they yelled surprise and i figured it was for me (still tipsy) it was awesome. r, shraydee, श्री, sv, sm, na, am, sk, 2T (did i miss someone??)

i was so touched. nicest thing anyones done for me, ever, barring the surprise thing that sim threw me before i left. i love you guys !! i almost cried...

so we cut the cake, and i counted the candles, perfect number, 19. they told me it was done unintentionally (HA). yummy chocolate cake. with "happy birthday to our cutely random S" in icing on it. oh my god i love you guys. i would give my life for you.

and then, as if it couldnt get better, shraydee got his guitar out and sree sang my fav songs. iris, here is gone, here without you. and then ended with sutta!
i couldnt get over them singing and playing for me. it was the most romantic thing ever, if there can be such an emotion among a group of friends.

so we sat/stood around singing together in the dark under the stars. perfect.

i love you. and maybe i can show you someday.

its so surprising that the people who organised this for me arent in my course at all. shows that i havent made and new friends. its just always been r and her group. i love you.

on the thirteenth, left for bangalore. got there saturday morn, stayed till sunday night. spent the night in v's hostel.
we talked a lot (me and y). spoke about our deteriorating relationship, about how we want different things from life. to my surprise, he actually admitted having not made an effort to understand or make things better. he admitted that more often than not he picked on words used and technicality instead of trying to understand what im trying to say.

i told him about my need for passion, intensity and romance. but i dont think he understands. he's just not built that way. i need someone to satisfy the poet in me. and he's mr. mathematician. an expert at breaking everything down to its constituent elements, when all im looking for is integration of the whole.

he took me out saturday night, we were supposed to hang out at this pub, but it was full, so we went to a mall instead. i had fun, spending time trying on clothes isnt something i'd object too..

well, actually, it was supposed to be a proper date... i got all dressed up in this pretty black skirt and sequined top. and he was supposed to pay for us both, and it was supposed to be romantic night out etc. we've never really gone on a "date" date
but then that dint work out. and i was very disappointed and a little bit angry. i was really expecting him to show me what i was looking for.
we just ended up making out...which is what always happens. just because i enjoy it doesnt mean its a substitute to everything, or that it has the potential to fix everything. and it dint fix it that day. yeah sure, it was the best alternative available at the time, but i wanted more.

hopefully he'll do it properly sometime. without me TELLING him to.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?��?
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?��? and, “Do I dare?��?
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!��?]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!��?]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?And how should I begin?. . . . .

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.. . . . .

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all��?—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.��?

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.��?. . . . .

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

why dint you call ?

hmm
this is just getting more and more bizarre. or maybe its just coz i had a beer, and danced with this hot guy who practically begged to be allowed to. not to mention the cigarette that made me reel.

wow that was fun. havent done that in a while.

which reminds me.

must lose weight.
must use natural summer induced anorexia to stop eating much, and must substitute biscuits with fruits.

must also begin studying seriously.
to that end:

1. must prevent debilitating headaches
2. must stop reading fiction
3. must stop surfing online/chatting online
4. must not sleep 12 hours a day
5. must open prescribed textbooks and READ

i think i've become a little too overconfident because of previous record. i just got lucky thats all. and doing really badly in the third sessionals is going to kill my confidence for the uni's.

feeling really good about myself. probably because im still high, its half past three in the morning (i LOVE the night, havent done this in so long.. missed it), and im listening to marroon5.

though i have NO RIGHT to feel good about myself. i SHOULD be feeling:

1. guilty
2. anxious
3. lonely
4. sad

sd, you've been awesome. i love you. we're still kinda like we used to be before.... despite the huge time and distance gap.

"There's no reason at all why we can't be friends now. I'd like to be. If you'd still like to," said Kiki, and felt ridculous, like a schoolgirl. She was new to this. The friendship of other women hadn't mattered to her in a long time. She'd never needed to think about it, having married her best friend.

from 'On Beauty' by Zadie Smith

woke up feeling terrible. its the urge to purge. what an awful rhyme. but yeah, writing things down has always been therapeutic for me

i dreamt about being back home. mom and dad were sitting in the front and i was in the back of the car. we were driving someplace. and i wanted the drive to go on forever.

i dreamt about opening my email and finding in it a long mail from him... a reply to a really short one that i sent him. he talked about stuff happening in his life, and about life in general. he talked about us, about how we're good together, and how much he cares. i woke up believing it wasnt a dream. somehow at the back of my mind i kept thinking about checking my mail. and when i did, i realised it was just a dream.

i miss you. dont you get it? yes, i know you're there if i ever really need you... but define "ever really"? i mean, i can deal with everything myself without you. i dont need you to get through my life.

i'm not even sure anymore if this is worth it. i'm sorry. but there's so much inner conflict these days, since i started pulling away from you. i see things differently. i see how your life is full and wouldnt be empty without me. and i see how my life is similar.

i see how what we want from each other is so totally different. and how neither one of us is able/willing to compromise. and how we end up making each other miserable, because no matter how close we were before, we DONT understand each other at all.

frustration

what i need is for you to feel something, anything, when you're around me.

feel it like i feel it -- shaking my entire being, purifying my thoughts to one theme. INTENSITY. thats what i never see in you anymore.

its also why i prefer fighting with you. its better than the emotion-free conversations we have. Because you're hardly ever intense in the other, nicer way. Getting the intense romance out of you is much more difficult than getting you to fight with me. which is why we end up fighting more.

why dont you understand that you're the only one who can give me what i want? all my fantasies lie in your hands. you can make me really really happy, but you choose NOT to.

tell me why i should be the one compromising?

how much is that doggie in the window?

walked out of dh today, and saw poor little puppy dog lying on the pavement. and everyone was just passing her by. she was lying there, unable to sit up, eyes barely open. unable to get away from the terrifying crowd of feet coming her way.

how can you walk away from a poor sick helpless baby animal? how DARE you walk away? would you walk away from a crying, half dead baby on the road? why is their life less important, their death more insignificant? its a SIN. may your conscience weigh heavily upon you. how can you respect yourself as a person? how can you look at yourself in the mirror and see a kind and compassionate person? would you ever treat your would be patients like that?

hypocrisy.

integrity. integrity is about going all the way. its not selective amnesia. if you hold kindness to be a virtue, then how can you call yourself virtuous if you are kind only to humans and not to other forms of life? ayn rand said it very nicely in "for the new intellectual".

so, ofcourse i took care of her. ofcourse i took her to a doctor, and fed her, and got her adopted. it took considerable effort. finding a vet isnt easy in manipal. the autowallas dint know what vet/animal doctor means, they kept offering to drop me of at the hospital.

having no other choice, i ran back up to dh and found dr narga nair. i happened to remember she has a spaniel and thus would know what to do. unfortunately she was in a meeting with approximately 20 other people, but i called her out and explained.

she directed me to this tiny clinic, where there wasnt a vet, but a doctor who liked animals a lot and treated them in her spare time. all this after telling me that it was better for the dog to die.

to die. talk about finality. would you say that about a sick child EVER? what happened to hope? can you imagine what it must be like for the poor baby to die.. all alone lying on a pavement... incredibly thirsty, barely able to breathe, the world dimming, everything going black....no loving touch on forehead, no soothing hands to ease away the pain. loneliness. complete isolation.

so i took her there. was helped by a lot of other people, two accompanied me, hailed autos for me etc. when i picked her up, she couldnt even lift her tiny head. she opened her black eyes... made bigger because of the emaciated face and looked at me helplessly. no tail wag, no wet inquisitive nose jab, no curious lick, no flinching even.

at the clinic, doc saw her immediately. we got her all spruced up, she managed to drink some milk and water, and even stood up for ten seconds.

she told us she couldnt keep him, but we couldnt either! i started talking to people waiting in the lobby. asking if they wanted a tiny dog.

finally ran into the old guy. manager of the place. first person who took me seriously. he actually THANKED ME for bringing her to the clinic. yeah right. like i could have done anything else. we got talking and finally figured that both he and my dad have a navy background. yay. that was good because, that finally established rapport. and he agreed to take her in. he explained about his house on half an acre of land, and about the seven other dogs he cared for. then he asked his servant whether he could handle another one.

thank god. she found a home.

what would have happened if i had just walked by?

what would have happened if YOU had stopped and helped that sick critter you saw on the road the other day? is keeping your posh car clean REALLY that important?

talk about cruelty.

i saw it in action today.

random

Its amazing what you can get used to with time...

living away from home, for so long, that today im actually happy that exactly 3 months from now, i'll be home.

3 MONTHS

thats really really long.
and i congratulate myself for getting through the time when it was 6 months. I'm halfway through!!

Im going home in the middle though, next week, for a week. Lots of loose ends to tie up before i leave. Some Edboard work, a third sessional physiology practical, lots of studying (what are weekends for anyway?)

Today my classmate and i went and interviewed shetty for the magazine. it was fun, because we had a lot of really candid questions about him (his love life on campus, his huge female fan base etc) and he gave us equally candid answers. what a good sport! Editor was pleased that it went well. So i'm happy.

yes, im happy again (thank god, last night i was dying)

y was here for revels on thu and fri,
i ended up doing smtn really stupid, got him very pissed off, just around the time he was gonna board the bus back to nls.
luckily we kinda sorted things out before he left. i feel like such an idiot now.

but it was good
seeing him twice two weeks in a row.

now i'll see him in june. for ten days.
long distance is hard. but we're getting better at it.

She loves him more than he will ever know
He loves her more than he will ever show

euphoria

so he came. and then left.
but we had an amazing time in between.

two whole days, and a night. enough time to fulfill all fantasies. fantasies of falling asleep together, waking up next to each other, getting drunk around each other...

we spent a lot of time talking. thats what we did more than anything else. that night, when i was high on vodka, was the best time i've had in almost a year. i remember some of it, and more than anything we talked about or did, i remember how i felt very vividly.

i felt free; liberated and secure at the same time. Like how you would feel walking a tightrope when you know there's a safety net beneath you. And i was happy. The absolute kind of happiness, when you know you're loved unconditionally, when you know that everything you're saying is being completely understood. It felt like coming home again. Like this long intense period of homesickness had finally ended, and finally i was back where i belonged. Perfection.

you're my home now. i cant imagine what life would be without your constant presence. these moments snatched out of time remind me of who i am and who we are together. and i realise even more how much you're worth to me. i love you.

nicotine

was depressed all of saturday for stupid reasons:

a. too much to do in very little time
b. see above
c. see above

even the fact that y would be here in less than a week wasnt enough to cheer me up. (yeah, he's coming on the 8th of march)

i felt really bad abt backing out of the dance but i simply didnt have time, and i couldnt quite quit the other stuff im obligated to do during verve.
Immediately after quitting though i felt really nice and empty and happy.

yay

coming to the fun part

SATURDAY
was a holiday (holi, dint play coz was depressed)
by virtue of my depression, ended up at sky lounge with 4 guys and 2Tas chaperone. we were randomly standing around when i announced that i wanted alcohol, so he made a phone call and we went.
got whiskey (with sprite!? not that i knew it was weird at the time, i was told later by R)

went on to have a nice longish conversation with the guy(R) online, which ended with a plan to meet the next day for the explicit purpose of teaching me how to smoke.

SUNDAY
went to dt around 7
with RandR(i simply love these guys. im so glad they're at manipal with me, i should really use them more often)
drank some, and then R whipped out a pack of wills classic milds and asked if i wanna smoke. and i was like... uhm...
and the other R was like she's not saying no, that means yes

so he lit it and then showed me what to do. i almost chickened out (just like the other time in class 10 with y)
he kept waving it around my face asking if i wanted to.

so i finally took it from him (after asking him to demonstrate again). i was really scared of ending up in a coughing fit at dt...coz by then it was really crowded. and the waiter guys were hovering about (but not really paying attention).

what was i thinking? all those cheesy tv commercials/sitcoms/movies about how the first step is the end of you kept running through my head. the same images that went through my head the last time i backed out.

my fingers were trembling when i took it from him.. and i held it for a long time before actually putting it in my mouth and taking a drag. it dint make me cough, though the smoky texture at the back of my throat wasnt too pleasant.

it took a few tries for me to get it right. the whole inhaling twice into lungs maneuver. but it hit me fucking hard. after 3 proper drags, i was extremely lightheaded and the room was almost spinning. it was way better than anything i ever got out of alcohol. but it faded really fast.

both of them were constantly giving me feedback... what i was doing wrong etc. me and R shared the first two, (he was like, im surprised you arent wetting it) and i was taught how to light the third one, and had it all by myself.

also had alcohol.. bacardi with coke. that and then the AWESOME music they play at dt...really gets you high. i was pretty loosened up and we started talking more....

it was the most fun evening ever, im still kinda high. when we left, R gave me what remained the pack. apparently the guy's taught four to five other women to do it. i was quite unsteady on my feet when we got up (thank god i wasnt wearing heels). but i was able to walk straight, its just that my knees felt a little weak.

and it was fun to share the whole experience... telling them exactly what it felt like, and then being told about how they felt. and being coached on how to do it right, how to hold it, how to flick ash off it, how to light one etc. haha i distinctly remember being told by R not to blow smoke into his face.

and we ended up talking more than usual. more laid back and open. that was almost the best part.

wow. finally got to do this. now i feel justifiably almost twenty. ok that makes no sense. y, i wish you hadnt refused to show me... i could have shared this with you instead of them...

seriously it was awesome while it lasted. no i dont plan on doing it often. will make the pack last long, and wont buy anymore.
ofcourse, R did say smtn about teach me how to "taxi" the next time we met.. hehe

oh man... i love these guys so much. they're a part of VVS right here. *hugs both*

Ed Board

joined the ed board(in charge of Signum Vitalis, among other things). still new to the whole idea, i dont know what to expect. but its exciting to do something extra curricular FINALLY. not too many people here are into doing extra stuff, which is probably why i had no trouble getting on the board.

am i the only one who thinks that its important to have something to show for your life apart from the standard academic achivements?

most of my friends hardly care, the ones who do care, care only for the certificate at the end of the year so they have something to declare on the MLE forms. Granted, the certificate is important to me, but its definitely not my primary motivator.

What is?
I want to be noticed. I want to prove to myself that the talents hidden within me do EXIST and aren't imagined.
I want to get to know more people, people cool enough be good at more than one thing (like i'm striving to do).
I want to leave a mark on people around me. I want to be thought of as the girl who was different. someone who took her life in her own hands, and understood the implications of that completely.
And most importantly, I never want to look back at my life and regret not attempting the things I could have done, and the person I could have been. Never again.

headache
killing me....

went and saw "the doors" today. not that i know much about the band. but it sounded like an arty film (and it WAS). nudity, poetry, drugs and music. very very dreamy. very difficult to tell what part of it actually happened and what part was hallucination.

then went to party at wgsha, where i ended up meeting everyone from school.

spent half an hour after curfew hanging out with people at the steps outside the recreation centre. they were just randomly sitting there singing lewd songs. i joined them coz i had nothing better to do.

splitting headache. should sleep if i know whats good for me.

miss u baby

all the promises we make...

ironic

hostel got wireless and i stopped blogging immediately.

exams over. i guess i can finally stop thinking about how/when/what/where to study, and whether or not passing is a possibility.

im still depressed though. wasnt that supposed to go away? its funny how everything you can count on suddenly gives way. thats the thing. i'm realising more and more acutely how the only person i can actually count on is me. and the only way i can make things alright is if i control how i feel about those things.

i've known this forever actually. i grew up alone, never lonely, learning how to count on myself for entertainment, for food, for conversation, for company, for protection. solitary is not something i run from.

i need to be able to make that work for me again.

you know you make promises and then break them without even knowing that you're breaking them. you just forget how much it meant before. and take it for granted. and then you lose who you used to be forever.

i did that to me, and now you're doing it to me again. this time i can see it happening. but i still cant stop it, because you have no idea what it is you're breaking.

if only i had made better decisions

wifi in sharada hostel

So that day has finally arrived

Sharada's old non AC block has finally been wifi'd!!!
This is the first phase of wifi enabling, by tomorrow RT hostel will also have access to internet from their rooms.
(as of right now, the guys are REALLY jealous of the girls)

The Health Sciences lib is also on the list.

This is good....

2nd sessionals

coming close

but im happy, im dealing with it much better this time. i had a very workable schedule, and both me and c studied together, and stuck to it enough for it to work for us.

y's in delhi again, but this time im not going to have to run my phone bill up to a few thousands coz im NOT going to break down.

well, even if i do break down, it wont happen until like 5 days before it.

missing y like crazy. he's home right now, and will be till march, after which he's supposed to come meet me. wow, that will be fun.

life will begin again after the sessionals, there's a list of things i have to do
1. water sports at the beach
2. go karting
3. y's coming!!!!!!!!!
4. im going home (yeah, ill be cutting class for like 4 days to go home. cant stay here till june continuously)

later

events

lots of fun things been happeneing, because of which, all study plans/schedules have been put to rest.

3 rock shows three days in a row
watched Parikrama perform at MIT hockey grounds day before,
watched this great american band perform at sydicate auditorium yesterday,
gonna go watch them again at biochem lecture hall 1 (!)

yes, they were in fact that good.
i enjoyed them way better than parikrama, they sounded much better, and weren't as arrogant and pompous as the vocalist of parikrama was. plus they played good music, some was really relaly hard, but most was enjoyable.

also happening tonight is lohri celebrations, that some guys from our batch are organising, im hoping that apart from the bonfire, there'll be some kind of music as well.

will be spending the night at c's flat, chilling and studying.

yes, i guess i finally have some friends.
what a relief.
hopefully, it only gets better

later

homesick

what a horrible start to the year

i DINT get kvpy

and im back in college now, except who knew it would feel so bad?
i miss home so much, i miss my parents, i feel incredibly guilty for not having been their ideal child.

it wasn't so bad when mom left me here and went the first time. i guess at that point i was so relieved that my gap year was over, and that i was finally doing something worthwhile that i probably felt very positive about being away from home.

But now, that's all so far behind me, all i can do is look ahead and see 6 months of endless class, without break. its a long long time. forget that, what about the next five years?

when i got here, in an auto from TC, and he drove down the road to Sharada, i was suddenly so depressed, looking at that stupid road.

my parents are old. i want to be home looking after them. monetarily. quickly. as soon as possible. but its gonna take forever, like another 10 years.

its 2007

what im going to do differently this year:

take control. my life is mine.
think positive.
look out for myself, be the bestest friend i could ever have.

and so...
ring in the new etc