one of those nights

My hands are smeared with blue pilot pen ink. my fingers smell of smoke. i wrote on the back of that photograph, and the words smudged on to my hands, tattooing them with hate and distress. i burnt the photograph. i watch the memories burn. i wish reality would burn up the same way.

i hate them all. i hate myself too. i feel stupid. i should have known better. i should have known better. there is so much i could have done. if i could turn back time, i could change everything.

am i the only one living with this burden? is he feeling something too? anything? i wonder about that sometimes. does he feel heavy with thoughts of disbelief and disgust at what he did, is he ashamed? if he could tell me that he was living under the enormous shadow of self doubt, constantly reminded of his sins, would he?

back in my room, i'm feeling strangely empty, yet calm. my fingers are still trembling though. my hate, for the moment, seems to have found an outlet. my head isnt spinning anymore. im breathing slower. i dont feel like punching the wall.

i guess im going to curl up into foetal position under my blanket and shut the world out by shutting my eyes. its going to be one of those nights.

hate mail I

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you, i hope you burn in hell. i hope you die. i want you to die. painfully. swallow something poisonous. get drunk and get hit by a truck. i hope you DIE. i want to break your glasses. step on them till the lenses are splinters. i want you to be blind. i want to kick you in the balls. again and again. till you cant walk. till you cry and beg for forgiveness, but i wont stop. i want to break a bottle on your head and then stick the jagged glass edges into your skin. twisting them deeper and deeper. i wish i could cut your carotids so you bleed and bleed. how dare you mess with me this way. how dare u assume you can do something like this and get away with it? YOU COCKY BASTARD. you filthy good or nothing stupid RAT. didnt you learn anything at home?what did you parents teach you. i hope someone does something to the woman you love like you did to me. i want to scatter bits and pieces of your flesh on the road so that the dogs and rats can eat it. you are SHIT. you are slimy. you dont deserve to live. you are stinking decomposing manure that i walk on. you are beneath my feet. i want to step on you. kick you again and again and walk on your balls. how dare u assume you can do this. how could you. i want to light one of your cigarettes and burn holes into your skin. i hate you. i hate you so much. i want you to admit to yourself who you really are. i hope you get drunk and accidentally walk off a tall building. if im around, you can be sure that i will help out with a little push. i will be happy to. you fucker. you bastard. i look at your face with pure hatred in my eyes. pure hatred. pure disgust. i want to slap you. in public. with everyone watching. they will laugh at you. i want to humiliate you. watch you wet your pants in public. you bastard.