its almost 5 am
I'm still up. online. not studying (exams in 48 hours. starts with a ComMed paper. wtf etc)
my Gilmore Girls addiction has run out of fuel cos she wont supply me with fresh episodes until AFTER the exams.
So ive just been online.. doing the usual. catching up on QC etc. went to my school's website. people are doing SO well for themselves! I feel like Im stagnating in KMC. after all, 5 years, without a degree. its not very heartwarming.
But i miss school sometimes. perhaps i will write for their newsletter after my exams.
I'm barely in touch with ANYONE from school. even though i was in love with that place. all juniors i knew have graduated. only faculty remains. and do they remember me? most wont. those who had children in my batch probably do though.
Ive been thinking about how we define ourselves in our lives. its completely up to me, who i want to be. i can be the 'dont really care about school and where i came from, even though it made me who i am today' kinda girl. or i can be the 'let me stay in touch with the (second) love of my life, let me make an effort at establishing and maintaining contact with the faculty' kinda girl.
I'm sure there's tons of stuff i can write about. like the changes we've all had to deal with after we leave school. like all the NON academic stuff that school taught us, that im still so grateful for. a list of funny memories from school that everyone will relate to. stuff like that. *gasp!* i can be like a guest columnist!
But first. must pass exams. prospects? reasonably high. i dont aim on topping this year, just maintaining a decent average. the magazine being my excuse. but i cannot afford to fail.
its amazing how these ideas strike me just during exam time. its like all that repressed creativity looking for an outlet.
i've been missing Y like crazy too. its the tension in the air. exam stress always made me call him more, yell at him more, typical attention seeking behaviour. i cant believe he isnt around anymore. he SAID he would call me, he WOULD stay in touch.
we made all these promises while we were going out. about how we'd always be important to each other. i havent spoken to him in months! and i think im the only one who misses that. and i have this huge ego which wont allow me to call him first and grovel for attention. (in my defence, the last time we talked, i TOLD him this was gonna happen. i knew i wouldnt be calling him, so i told him to make sure he shows he cares by calling me! and i also told him i wouldnt say this again. so there u have it. i cant do anything, except wait. yes, i'd much rather do that than call him and yell)
ELECTIVES: ive done more elective work in the last week, than ive been able to do in the last 6 months! just shows how boring exam time can be. tedious. i got my titres done, my mantoux test, and i've also shortlisted colleges i might wanna apply to. i think i need to take the TOEFL, which i shall schedule later, after exams. i'm excited about this, i hope it works out for me. i need to do something cool, like the other kids from my school, who are SO AWESOME. also the experience would be amazing. i have no idea what kinda environment it'll actually be like. i'm thinking NOTHING like Scrubs or House. NOTE TO SELF: NO COUNTING UNHATCHED CHICKENS.
DramaQueen's closest friend from school was here a week back. she's at Christ, Bangalore studying Journalism, English Lit and Psychology. Ah, to be her...
So anyway i casually asked her about Prufrock and turns out, she's studied it in depth for class! I got a print out and she explained everything to me! All my Prufrock questions finally answered! Hooray. I have to say though, that knowing its actual meaning has made the poem unbelievably depressing! earlier there was some magic to its rhythm. now i just feel sorry for the pathetic old man, and i see myself in him, 30 years from now. help.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
MCI - II
So this is a first hand account of what I experienced on Fri morning..
ENT clinics, we were posted in OT that day. After changing into scrubs, putting on surgical caps and masks, we walked into OR6 where the surgeon was performing a tympanoplasty. He was a good teacher, and I happened to be standing right behind the PostGrad student assisting him. The incision behind the ear was made, retractors put in to stretch and open up the incision, thus giving the surgeons room to maneuver. suction, and gauze; constant cautery to stop blood leaks. going deeper into the body, muscle fibres and fascia.
His phone rang. it was someone from the Dean's office, summoning him there to report to the MCI. I was there, i heard the conversation:
He wants me there now? I'm in OT with a patient.
you want me to de-scrub and come? right now? what? cant it wait 45 minutes?
right now? alright. I'm coming, I'm coming. Tell him im on my way.
he hung up and turned to the patient. he packed the deep incision with gauze and cotton. Told the anesthetist that he's gonna have to keep the patient down for a while longer. said to the head nurse: its all in your hands, sister.
He tore his gloves off and snarled at us: I know the MCI doesn't care about the students here. But atleast they should care about the patients!
Then he walked out of OR6. i was shocked. what could possibly be so important? the MCI is full of doctors, do they not understand that leaving a patient in general anesthesia longer than necessary isn't the most prudent thing to do? whatever they needed from him, it could have waited another 45 minutes. what is more important than a patient lying on that table with a gaping hole in his ear?
what are their priorities? where are their ethics?
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in other, lighter news:
exams are almost upon me. and as usual im terrified about not being able to pass with glory.
not been spending enough time with Her. i miss her and i keep telling her that which is stupid cos now she thinks im all clingy and desperate.
spent most my waking hours in the lib today. didnt get too much done, just read through 3 chapters of ENT super fast. Anatomy, physiology of the nose and paranasal sinuses.
went to take case at 4:30pm (for Radiotherapy afternoon clinics) but the patient assigned to us had been discharged already.
tomorrow morning, i look forward to 6am swim followed by breakfast! tea and toast and butter and marmalade. yum. actually right now, i'd just about do anything to spend time with her.
hehe speaking of which, we're taking a walk to the temple at around 7pm. its a sunday ritual for her, and i asked if i could accompany her today. she said: ok, but only if you dont talk as much as you do!
later.
ENT clinics, we were posted in OT that day. After changing into scrubs, putting on surgical caps and masks, we walked into OR6 where the surgeon was performing a tympanoplasty. He was a good teacher, and I happened to be standing right behind the PostGrad student assisting him. The incision behind the ear was made, retractors put in to stretch and open up the incision, thus giving the surgeons room to maneuver. suction, and gauze; constant cautery to stop blood leaks. going deeper into the body, muscle fibres and fascia.
His phone rang. it was someone from the Dean's office, summoning him there to report to the MCI. I was there, i heard the conversation:
He wants me there now? I'm in OT with a patient.
you want me to de-scrub and come? right now? what? cant it wait 45 minutes?
right now? alright. I'm coming, I'm coming. Tell him im on my way.
he hung up and turned to the patient. he packed the deep incision with gauze and cotton. Told the anesthetist that he's gonna have to keep the patient down for a while longer. said to the head nurse: its all in your hands, sister.
He tore his gloves off and snarled at us: I know the MCI doesn't care about the students here. But atleast they should care about the patients!
Then he walked out of OR6. i was shocked. what could possibly be so important? the MCI is full of doctors, do they not understand that leaving a patient in general anesthesia longer than necessary isn't the most prudent thing to do? whatever they needed from him, it could have waited another 45 minutes. what is more important than a patient lying on that table with a gaping hole in his ear?
what are their priorities? where are their ethics?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
in other, lighter news:
exams are almost upon me. and as usual im terrified about not being able to pass with glory.
not been spending enough time with Her. i miss her and i keep telling her that which is stupid cos now she thinks im all clingy and desperate.
spent most my waking hours in the lib today. didnt get too much done, just read through 3 chapters of ENT super fast. Anatomy, physiology of the nose and paranasal sinuses.
went to take case at 4:30pm (for Radiotherapy afternoon clinics) but the patient assigned to us had been discharged already.
tomorrow morning, i look forward to 6am swim followed by breakfast! tea and toast and butter and marmalade. yum. actually right now, i'd just about do anything to spend time with her.
hehe speaking of which, we're taking a walk to the temple at around 7pm. its a sunday ritual for her, and i asked if i could accompany her today. she said: ok, but only if you dont talk as much as you do!
later.
MCI - I
MCI inspection is happening on campus right now. They go to extreme lengths to ensure that they find a bunch of significant flaws in our set-up here, or our teaching method, or our living standards. or something.
For example:
For example:
- Our state-of-the-art lecture hall complex is just not upto their standards. its a beautiful building, named Interact. Its got lecture halls surrounding this central atrium. Its bright and sunny and beautiful. its airconditioned, has a whiteboard and a blackboard, a computer and a projector, wifi connectivity, and comfortable desks and chairs arranged in a amphitheater like configuration. MCI hates it because these TWELVE lecture halls are used, at different times, by MBBS students, BDS students and maybe B.Pharm students as well. To comply with MCI standards, we've had to build an ugly partition bang in the centre of Interact. Separating it into MBBS and non MBBS lecture halls. With, DIFFERENT ENTRANCES! Its like a form of academic racism.
- Our hostels! they hate them. we have round the clock electricity, wifi, hot and cold water taps, individual bathrooms (there are NO COMMON TOILETS), round the clock security, a coffee shop and general tuck shop open till midnight. they dont like that MBBS, BDS, BPharm, Biotech students live together in the same building. THAT is their problem. In what world class academic institution (and MU is pretty much that) is this sort of academic segregation sanctioned? my non MBBS friends had to move out of their rooms and into this other building. some of them had to do it while their exams were on. why why why? we lived happily together. this diversity in my corridor was quite refreshing.
- The beautiful Library. Once, we could sit wherever we wanted. Group disucssion room on level 1, private study areas on Level 3, computer lab, the major study hubs at level 1 and 2. Now? level 2 is reserved JUST for MBBS. this is so retarded.
i wonder what their problem really is? I love my college. we are good. we have standards. our departments are full of dedicated teachers. we have never had a single lecture or clinical class cancelled. in other colleges there's always a chronic lack of faculty... we also have the equipment, the facilities, the latest editions of the important books. online journals. we have a campus that functions like a campus.
i wonder how many colleges would be derecognised if MCI was uniformly strict with their inspections.
Monday, May 04, 2009
conversation
i'm sitting in Her room. I'm on the bed and she's sprawled on the floor in front of me while i massage coconut oil into her hair. its something i've done several times for her. she likes oiling her hair the night before a swim. says it helps control hairfall. me, i dont think it does anything of the sort, but i enjoy the ritual as much as her. the first time i offered to do it, she asked me if i'd do it for her every time, and she was rather taken aback when i said yes.
sitting like this; close, but her back's towards me. its comfortable. perfect for a long chat, important or unimportant. i know i can influence how long the massage lasts just by altering the pressure on my fingertips... taking her into states of relaxation she's reluctant to get out of.
tonight, i venture down her back...rubbing between her shoulder blades, stretching her arms and arching her back. we're talking about ENT case taking, its my case tomorrow and im not sure yet how to use a nasal speculum and a head mirror and other such intricasies. she's good at ALL this stuff. one of the many reasons why the mindfucking's going on right now.
in the middle of my sentence, she pipes up:
What the hell are you doing in medical school?
and i'm like: um. i like it here... i wanted to be here...
you should've been in some hippie place. on some beach. in a shack that offers massages and pot. it would be the ultimate combination!
i laughed my guts out at the crazy picture of me being a masseuse at a massage-and-pot-parlour at some beachy place and told her i'd blog about what she said.
she stumbled upon my blog btw. in my room, on my laptop. i shut it down hastily. she ran upstairs to her room and tried to access it, but by then i'd moved it from koilonychia to manipal manual :)
i dont want her reading this. not just yet.
sitting like this; close, but her back's towards me. its comfortable. perfect for a long chat, important or unimportant. i know i can influence how long the massage lasts just by altering the pressure on my fingertips... taking her into states of relaxation she's reluctant to get out of.
tonight, i venture down her back...rubbing between her shoulder blades, stretching her arms and arching her back. we're talking about ENT case taking, its my case tomorrow and im not sure yet how to use a nasal speculum and a head mirror and other such intricasies. she's good at ALL this stuff. one of the many reasons why the mindfucking's going on right now.
in the middle of my sentence, she pipes up:
What the hell are you doing in medical school?
and i'm like: um. i like it here... i wanted to be here...
you should've been in some hippie place. on some beach. in a shack that offers massages and pot. it would be the ultimate combination!
i laughed my guts out at the crazy picture of me being a masseuse at a massage-and-pot-parlour at some beachy place and told her i'd blog about what she said.
she stumbled upon my blog btw. in my room, on my laptop. i shut it down hastily. she ran upstairs to her room and tried to access it, but by then i'd moved it from koilonychia to manipal manual :)
i dont want her reading this. not just yet.
Mindfucking.
i'm tired, i need to sleep.
tmrw morning, i wake up at 6am to swim for an hour at the pool, and then MAKE breakfast. yes, She has a toaster, we bought bread and butter. its gonna be hot toast and tea (courtesy my giant 2 litre cordless electric kettle. that leaks btw) and marmalade and honey and peanut butter. (we'll imagine that its the brilliant nutella pancakes we ate for breakfast at Gokarna's Ganga Cafe)
She and i go swimming together. after Gokarna thats all we have left going together. apart from random dinners and, once in a while, movie sleepovers.
i was just hanging out in her room before curfew, and im still wishing we could spend more time together but she wanted to sleep.
I have never met anyone like her. no, i have. i've met many like her, but i've never known them as well as i know her. never been this close. since gokarna, everything's changed. and yet its exactly the same. i watched her chain smoke the night away, while whining about the lack of alcohol. i've heard her stories, and i've been able to tell her mine. which is a big deal.
i cant help that im so attached to her now! i want her around all the time. and i want to hear her crazy laughter cheer me up. and the gleam in her eyes when she's being sarcastic. and the way she's always THERE when you need her to be.
i hope i can be there for her too.
i feel like i finally found that one person that i can actually reveal everything to. everything. no one knows my entire story.
i will now quote eM since i'm too tired to express for myself what she's already expressed more brilliantly than i ever could:
Girls are great. Having girl friends is awesome. Having girl friends means having someone to talk about your FEELINGS with, over and over again, obsessing wildly while they obsess with you and then you obsess with them. Girl friends giggle at the right places, and they have your back (mostly) and they know to call you the next day for a detailed post mortem and they hug and you don't have to shield any part of your body (my boys are great but such BOY boys that it's hard to forget sometimes). And they tell you if there's going to be a wardrobe malfunction and you know you look good if they say you look good.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about girl crushes. I don't mean like sexual crushes. I mean just the whole, "Oh we have to hang out!" and "Oh, my new friend so-and-so said that movie was great!" It's mentionitis to the core, it's wanting to hang out with them all the time, it's even drunk texting to give status updates on where you are and what you're doing. Girl crushes are heady, pure things. Guys do Man Crushes as well--"Oh we have to get together and play soccer!" and "Oh do you think he'll call? He's got to call, I got him that new DVD we talked about!" Same-sex straight crushes are at once the most charming and most amusing things I've ever seen.
Have I had girl crushes? Oh many times. In fact, I think most of my female friends today are a result of these encounters. I cannot get ENOUGH of them in our beginning stages of flirting, I can't ask them to go shopping too many times, I can't stop texting and I can't stop blurting out details of my life that would probably make even close friends from before raise an eyebrow. But the great thing about girl crushes is that they never raise an eyebrow. They say, "I know!" and "Me too!" and you love them in that moment, both of your eyes sparkling and you love them when both of you turn to boys you're flirting with and there is a hidden gleam passing between the two of you which no one can penetrate.
Does this sound sexual? It does a bit, doesn't it, now that I'm writing it down? But it's nooooot, it's so not and that's what makes it beautiful. It's like being a kid again and wanting to know the shape and texture of your cousin's bellybutton and feeling the powdery softness of butterfly wings against your fingertips and drinking water so cold it hurts the back of your throat and the inside of your brains. It's all those undefinable, uncategorised feelings and it's about hip bumping as you sashay down the street and sharing cigarettes and each of you looking at the other and knowing you are young and beautiul together.
tmrw morning, i wake up at 6am to swim for an hour at the pool, and then MAKE breakfast. yes, She has a toaster, we bought bread and butter. its gonna be hot toast and tea (courtesy my giant 2 litre cordless electric kettle. that leaks btw) and marmalade and honey and peanut butter. (we'll imagine that its the brilliant nutella pancakes we ate for breakfast at Gokarna's Ganga Cafe)
She and i go swimming together. after Gokarna thats all we have left going together. apart from random dinners and, once in a while, movie sleepovers.
i was just hanging out in her room before curfew, and im still wishing we could spend more time together but she wanted to sleep.
I have never met anyone like her. no, i have. i've met many like her, but i've never known them as well as i know her. never been this close. since gokarna, everything's changed. and yet its exactly the same. i watched her chain smoke the night away, while whining about the lack of alcohol. i've heard her stories, and i've been able to tell her mine. which is a big deal.
i cant help that im so attached to her now! i want her around all the time. and i want to hear her crazy laughter cheer me up. and the gleam in her eyes when she's being sarcastic. and the way she's always THERE when you need her to be.
i hope i can be there for her too.
i feel like i finally found that one person that i can actually reveal everything to. everything. no one knows my entire story.
i will now quote eM since i'm too tired to express for myself what she's already expressed more brilliantly than i ever could:
Girls are great. Having girl friends is awesome. Having girl friends means having someone to talk about your FEELINGS with, over and over again, obsessing wildly while they obsess with you and then you obsess with them. Girl friends giggle at the right places, and they have your back (mostly) and they know to call you the next day for a detailed post mortem and they hug and you don't have to shield any part of your body (my boys are great but such BOY boys that it's hard to forget sometimes). And they tell you if there's going to be a wardrobe malfunction and you know you look good if they say you look good.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about girl crushes. I don't mean like sexual crushes. I mean just the whole, "Oh we have to hang out!" and "Oh, my new friend so-and-so said that movie was great!" It's mentionitis to the core, it's wanting to hang out with them all the time, it's even drunk texting to give status updates on where you are and what you're doing. Girl crushes are heady, pure things. Guys do Man Crushes as well--"Oh we have to get together and play soccer!" and "Oh do you think he'll call? He's got to call, I got him that new DVD we talked about!" Same-sex straight crushes are at once the most charming and most amusing things I've ever seen.
Have I had girl crushes? Oh many times. In fact, I think most of my female friends today are a result of these encounters. I cannot get ENOUGH of them in our beginning stages of flirting, I can't ask them to go shopping too many times, I can't stop texting and I can't stop blurting out details of my life that would probably make even close friends from before raise an eyebrow. But the great thing about girl crushes is that they never raise an eyebrow. They say, "I know!" and "Me too!" and you love them in that moment, both of your eyes sparkling and you love them when both of you turn to boys you're flirting with and there is a hidden gleam passing between the two of you which no one can penetrate.
Does this sound sexual? It does a bit, doesn't it, now that I'm writing it down? But it's nooooot, it's so not and that's what makes it beautiful. It's like being a kid again and wanting to know the shape and texture of your cousin's bellybutton and feeling the powdery softness of butterfly wings against your fingertips and drinking water so cold it hurts the back of your throat and the inside of your brains. It's all those undefinable, uncategorised feelings and it's about hip bumping as you sashay down the street and sharing cigarettes and each of you looking at the other and knowing you are young and beautiul together.
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