what EXACTLY am i not happy about?

1. only 24 hours in a day. no 'infinity period' like in school.
2. no life

okay this is stupid stuff that cannot be solved. let me start again. rationally.

1. not being able to manage time the way i want to. out of sheer tiredness, and sometimes laziness and the inablilty to wake up when my alarm rings after my scheduled nap duration

2. not having, or not being able to make time for exercise. actively trying to fix this.

3. low self worth: stemming from lack of clinical acumen in the hospital, and from being fat

4. relationship: in a complete mess. unanswered questions, most questions i would rather not know the answer to. dissatisfied from the lack of expressed care/interest. jealousy. tired of being blamed for being sad/feeling unwell/making things go wrong every time. finding myself wanting to be alone more and more. trying to stay distant by texting less, calling less, talking MUCH less. havent talked properly in more than a month. deflecting and blaming everything on stress (?). generally unhappy but then thats not new.

goodnight.

reading this blog, u might think im clinically depressed.
well screw you.

sometimes its important to wallow in self pity and this is the only place i can do it.

home!

home home home home home

im going home tomorrow morning.finally decided to go through with it. atleast now i feel more at rest. :)

i dont think im going to be able to sleep tonight.
there's so much i want to say but it seems like ive forgotten how to say it. i've forgotten how to write.

ive been far away for far too long.

there are people in this world that i would give my life for. and i've been feeling a very strong calling. i should go home. i really should. i'll never forgive myself if dont. exams are not priority in life right now.

i feel stranded here. going home doesnt even seem like an option, much as i would like to be there right now. i can only afford to go for a 3 or 4 days and it will cost me a fortune! and it just doesnt seem worth it.
sometimes i really wish we were the kind of family that could afford luxury and not just comfort!

drifting further away-powderfinger: cryptic emotions

FOR RG and YV:
dont go too deep into the flood
dont stare too long, you'll poison my love
dont shove me out, dont hold it all in
dont let my venom get under your skin

cos every word and every turn and every sign points to your hurt
with every hour you're drifting further away

come make your peace, come find your way
come lay your wreath at the altar of change
dont lose your step
dont break your bones
dont shoulder your burden out there on your own..

i never should have let go...

FROM SV AND SP

my ambition bird :( things i'll never be able to do until its too late

i wish i was doing something more artistic with my life. more creative.

i want to paint and dance and write. i would love to READ again. listen to music. prose. poetry.

i feel like i lost myself inside davidson and bailey&love.

im burnt out. i want to take a break from pathology and ugliness and watch a sunrise or a sunset without worrying about how much time im wasting.

i wish i could take a year off. im being sucked into this vortex, this spiral, i feel like im never going to have time for myself again.

im not happy, im way too stressed.

there are things i wanted to do in my life.. that i dont see myself doing anymore.

1. travel. see the world. not just 'america'. i want to go to europe. not to sight see. i want to absorb the life there, hang out there at leisure, maybe work there or study there. i dont want to see the world as tourist with an itinerary. i want to linger.

2. i want a piano. and i want to play it well. and i want to attend recitals. and i want to play with a band, not professionally, but as a hobby. i want to attend practice sessions and i want to bond over chords and progressions and harmonies.

3. i want to write a book. NOT a best selling formula crappy shit. i want to write about life, about people, about what its like to be strange, how to come to terms with loneliness, loss and death because that is eventually what life is all about.

4. i want to ride a horse through the countryside. i want dogs following me. strong, faithful, loyal beings.

5. i want to sit at a cafe, with a pen and notepad and write after ordering 'my usual'

6. i want to attend more literary events. i want to meet authors and attend book signings.

7. gokarna! i want to live there for a while. like a month.

its fun being a med student, but it gets really tough after a while, and from where im standing, it feels like it only gets tougher.

i can deal with it, but i sometimes find myself wondering if i would have been happier without knowing everything i know...

i want to grow wings and fly away.

we never change.
its the same ups and downs over and over. cable car following cable car until the wire finally snaps.

what is the meaning of my life now?
i wish i could begin again, shed my skin and let the sun shine in. by the edge of the ocean...

im far away from home, and when i close my eyes i see where i should be. and i should have been there yesterday. it feels like its too late today.

i've been wandering through the years inside my mind. every rich memory, full of insignificant Detail: the smell of the day, the harsh sunlight, the biting cold. other things so personal and so precious to me that i know i'll never get back.

what have i learnt? what do i have to show for the decisions i made? where are my old friends? i feel lost without their presence lending solidity to my memories. everything feels like a dream. how much of what i remember actually happened?

why are my memories so vivid and why does my present feel like its slipping though my fingers? minute by minute, second by second, like the grains of sand on my memory-beach. just out of reach.