Mindfucking.

i'm tired, i need to sleep.
tmrw morning, i wake up at 6am to swim for an hour at the pool, and then MAKE breakfast. yes, She has a toaster, we bought bread and butter. its gonna be hot toast and tea (courtesy my giant 2 litre cordless electric kettle. that leaks btw) and marmalade and honey and peanut butter. (we'll imagine that its the brilliant nutella pancakes we ate for breakfast at Gokarna's Ganga Cafe)

She and i go swimming together. after Gokarna thats all we have left going together. apart from random dinners and, once in a while, movie sleepovers.

i was just hanging out in her room before curfew, and im still wishing we could spend more time together but she wanted to sleep.

I have never met anyone like her. no, i have. i've met many like her, but i've never known them as well as i know her. never been this close. since gokarna, everything's changed. and yet its exactly the same. i watched her chain smoke the night away, while whining about the lack of alcohol. i've heard her stories, and i've been able to tell her mine. which is a big deal.
i cant help that im so attached to her now! i want her around all the time. and i want to hear her crazy laughter cheer me up. and the gleam in her eyes when she's being sarcastic. and the way she's always THERE when you need her to be.
i hope i can be there for her too.
i feel like i finally found that one person that i can actually reveal everything to. everything. no one knows my entire story.

i will now quote eM since i'm too tired to express for myself what she's already expressed more brilliantly than i ever could:

Girls are great. Having girl friends is awesome. Having girl friends means having someone to talk about your FEELINGS with, over and over again, obsessing wildly while they obsess with you and then you obsess with them. Girl friends giggle at the right places, and they have your back (mostly) and they know to call you the next day for a detailed post mortem and they hug and you don't have to shield any part of your body (my boys are great but such BOY boys that it's hard to forget sometimes). And they tell you if there's going to be a wardrobe malfunction and you know you look good if they say you look good.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about girl crushes. I don't mean like sexual crushes. I mean just the whole, "Oh we have to hang out!" and "Oh, my new friend so-and-so said that movie was great!" It's mentionitis to the core, it's wanting to hang out with them all the time, it's even drunk texting to give status updates on where you are and what you're doing. Girl crushes are heady, pure things. Guys do Man Crushes as well--"Oh we have to get together and play soccer!" and "Oh do you think he'll call? He's got to call, I got him that new DVD we talked about!" Same-sex straight crushes are at once the most charming and most amusing things I've ever seen.
Have I had girl crushes? Oh many times. In fact, I think most of my female friends today are a result of these encounters. I cannot get ENOUGH of them in our beginning stages of flirting, I can't ask them to go shopping too many times, I can't stop texting and I can't stop blurting out details of my life that would probably make even close friends from before raise an eyebrow. But the great thing about girl crushes is that they never raise an eyebrow. They say, "I know!" and "Me too!" and you love them in that moment, both of your eyes sparkling and you love them when both of you turn to boys you're flirting with and there is a hidden gleam passing between the two of you which no one can penetrate.
Does this sound sexual? It does a bit, doesn't it, now that I'm writing it down? But it's nooooot, it's so not and that's what makes it beautiful. It's like being a kid again and wanting to know the shape and texture of your cousin's bellybutton and feeling the powdery softness of butterfly wings against your fingertips and drinking water so cold it hurts the back of your throat and the inside of your brains. It's all those undefinable, uncategorised feelings and it's about hip bumping as you sashay down the street and sharing cigarettes and each of you looking at the other and knowing you are young and beautiul together.