its raining again!
it poured down on us while we were standing around the pool watching our guys play water polo.
all day i've been missing him. actually since yesterday.. but last night i had DramaQueen for company so it wasnt that bad. I cant believe that this is still happening to me, that i still feel this way.
The rain just makes it worse.
I miss him so much, he's in all the songs i listen to and all the jokes i make that no one else gets. I missed utsav dance audition today cos i simply dint feel up to doing anything. and it was my last chance to perform, cos next year our batch wont be allowed to... and i KNOW im gonna regret this forever, on Utsav day ill be looking up at the stage thinking I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE! and i'm gonna beat myself up for the next 3 months. atleast. WHY? WHY dint i go? i had a very good reason a few hours ago. i just dint feel up to it. sigh.
i needed to talk to someone, to convince me.. tell me that i AM good enough and that i SHOULD give it a shot. Someone to show some support, some faith, in me. and there's no one to do that for me anymore. i just dint feel up to it.
went to this random water polo shit instead, to try and learn stuff. Damnit.
i still dream about him. its amazing, medically speaking.. or psychologically speaking. i never thought it would be like this. my subconscious taking over this way, memories resurfacing every night, emotions welling up inside me till i dont know what to do with them! you never realise exactly how much a person means to you till u lose them. i dont think about him in the day, but at night i cant stop these dreams.
its the depth of the connection, i guess. its not easy to turn 5 years to nothing. the depth, there's no end to it.
i've realised that now all i want in my life is to keep my parents happy and proud. nothing. else. matters. i have no dreams of my own anymore.
is that ok?
4 comments:
You ARE worth it, and you SHOULD do it. Really. Take every last fucking chance you get to do everything u can, because trust me.. u'll look back at one point and be like, is this it then? Like how, i can't be on the ballin team for college ever again.. or take part in culturals... U just need to try and do it all. What's up with the not having hopes bit? U should have lots.. we are young still.. it's always good to dream :)
well its too late now
audition's over
cant do anything
but thank you...
it helped me feel a bit better
Too bad about the dance audition, i meant about every other audition ever. But hey, when the dance thing is goin on, u can go drink that other half liter and chill :)
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